Dr. No is not in. Dr. No is also referring to itself in the third person. Why is Dr. No like this? Dr. No had its mind blown apart. I am Dr. No’s reptile brain, known as Dr. Iguana. I was quietly hanging at the base of Dr. No’s brain just doing my thing. You know, keeping the old heart rate in check regulating body temperature, same old shit I do every day. Next thing I know the whole Corporation just explodes. Damn. I’m in the corner office now. Pretty roomy in here, downright spacious. Not sure what to do though. I’ve got to get Dr. No back. Yes, it will know what to do. But what happened? I remember hearing voices right before the explosion, but I wasn’t really paying attention. What was that voice saying? That voice was vaguely familiar…it was asking a question maybe? Geez, this is tough. Oh crap! I’ve let Dr. No’s heart rate go through the roof. Its’ hard to think about this many things at one time! OK, think. What happened? Something about teaching…I GOT IT! The familiar voice asked if Dr. No would teach a class at 7:30. Then the rest of the office screamed “7:30 in the motherfucking morning?!?!!!!!!” and then all I remember was a flash of bright light and then silence. Think. How do I fix this? I could give Dr. No a heart attack. No, that won’t help. How would that weasely guy who worked in the Excuses Department handle this? Maybe there are some files left in his office.
YES! Here we go. Let’s see, all that appears to be left are: not feeling well, dentist appointment, lack of travel funds, must have left it at home, must be on my laptop, having car troubles, it’s not you it’s me, it’s not me it’s you damnit, I’m allergic, and OK but just this once. I don’t think any of these are going to work. There must be something else in here…What if I just say that mornings are when Dr. No likes to write and it would be a huge career destroying inconvenience to lose this valuable time. Wait, am I allowed to lie? I’m pretty sure writing and sleeping are two different things. I’d visit the Lying Department but I could never get through security. The locks, lasers, ninjas, and booby traps are all on autopilot and are impenetrable (wait a minute, shouldn’t I control that? I thought I was autopilot, like the blow up pilot doll in Airplane! Shit that movie was funny, it appealed to me on a fundamental level). Well, why the hell not. Let’s give it a try. No. I can’t possibly teach during that time slot I really need my mornings for writing.
It’s working!!! I see people coming back to work! The office is magically reconfiguring itself! Whew. Dr. No better let me watch Airplane! again for this. Hell yeah! I want some Cheetos too.