Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Project Report 3A: Strolling Policy

Please pause for a moment while I mount my high horse, step onto this soapbox, identify who declared me boss, and placed this crown on my head. OK, that’s better. It’s much more comfortable up here, the view and accessories are topnotch. Now that I am situated I have a few things to say:

People of the Blogspot, stop starting blogs about scrapbooking. Stop it. Just give it a rest. I understand that a little memento curation may be in order. I get that. Go ahead and organize your photographs your trinkets, your ticket stubs and such. That day, event, or whatnot may have been memorable. Do it for yourself, your kids, your grandpa, or whomever. But I would estimate that 27% of all the blogs I ran into while strolling through the blogosphere (by pushing “next blog” a billion times) were about scrapbooks. A solid 85% of those scrapbooking blogs are suck-ass-awful. Just cheesy crap that looks so “mass produced scrapbook cliché” that apparently entire families have never experienced a single moment that could not be characterized by a sticker assortment. What the hell is this shit? Stop blogging about it. I find it depressing. It really, and I mean really, looks like you are just forcing personal “moments” to happen. Like you dragged you grandpa to the rodeo just so you could take his picture with a cowboy hat on and buy some cowboy themed decals. That is not cool. Grandpa was half asleep and did not enjoy stepping in animal shit.

That leaves the remaining 15% of scrapbooking blogs. Some of you are in a language I don’t understand (and cannot even identify), some of you seem rather genuine in your pursuits, and some have the benefit of artistic talent. You may continue. But, People of the Blogspot, our avenues and scenic byways are cluttered with terrible scrapbooking blogs. Our streets cannot be strolled safely, assaulted by glitter, ribbons, and damn near anything that can be glued to piece of busily patterned paper, danger lurks around every corner. I think that People with Blogs about Sports Teams (especially you foreign language ones) and People with Blogs about Your Wedding Photography Business should unite and patrol your neck of the Blogspot woods for feral scrapbookers (Photogs: you capture their picture; Sports Team People: you rally your fans and do not let your favorite team and sport be reduced to a patterned picture border template). Fashion Blogs and Cooking Blogs, collectively you must patrol our commercial centers. Use your skills to keep our markets free from cheap counterfeit scrapbook “memories” and the aesthetic shit-pile of glue and paper. Family Bloggers, do not let these people infiltrate you! They want in. They want to invite your kid over, but make sure Susie wears pink (it will look better in the pictures) and they want you to buy their crap (so YOU TOO can have family memories just LIKE THEIRS!).

There is a role for all of us. We must unite. People of the Blogspot, and that means you Blogs with Terrible Financial Advice, Blogs of Artists (who should be outraged at the schmuckiness of it all), and Blogs about Various Things in Nature, we need to unite and form a citizens patrol. I know, it sounds all anti-democratic, it sounds like censorship. We can’t be total assholes about this. Blogs about Particular Professions (even the illegal ones), Blogs about Politics, and Blogs about Angst (the fake kind you have as a youngster that only bad poetry and copious amounts of black clothes can fix): stop hiding in your pigeonholes and join us! We must all resist the bad scrapbookers glittery charm.

We must politely allow bad scrapbooking to enter the ranks of Alf, Members Only jackets, and that weird machine that shook your ass and thigh fat for no apparent purpose (did anyone really believe that would do anything? You know that “exercise machine” that probably ran on steam or something and consisted of a vibrating belt?)…anyway, we need to let bad scrapbooking become a distant and funny in its craptacularness thing of the past. Do not be swayed by the scent of their glue (ask the Blogs about Huffing, you can do better) or their fancy cutting implements, we need to protect our streets. Think of the future bloggers whose dreams were dashed by the viewing of a single St. Patricks Day themed photo frame idea (with INSTRUCTIONS! For only $9.95!). Think of the tourists strolling through our lands and their disappointment at seeing the same beribboned bullshit over and over again. Shit, I live here and I can’t even go for a pleasant evening stroll. Damnit!

Yes, I am an elitist bastard. (dismounting now)

19 comments:

  1. I think sabbatical sounds fun--you have time to keep clicking "next blog" a billion times!

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  2. You nailed the dismount for a 9.8 from the Russian judge.

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  3. Oh oh I'm a professor into scrapbooking and that sort off glittery stuff. Guilty as charged. I arrange situations to make a future scrapbook page look good. My kids go 'ooow stop mom, no more pictures.' But I persit in capturing that perfect albeit fake moment ;)

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  4. Aw, crap, that machine doesn't do anything? Hand me The Bedazzler: I'm going to make some art out of the dang thing.

    Though I promise not to start a Bedazzler Scrapbook blog...

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  5. Sturgeon's Law: 90% of science fiction -- or any other creative endeavor -- is crap.

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  6. I didn't even know scrapbooking existed until a few months ago when I spotted a blog comment about it. I come from a family where our albums were filled with photos other people had taken photos of us, primarily the weedy guy hired by the school each year. I am still not quite sure what it does....Oh my goodness, I just looked it up on Wiki. Tragic! I suspect this activity is a part of the diagnostic model for OCD?

    Dr No. - Do you think your scrapbooker scorn says anything about your childhood issues?

    Ink - I can't believe you mentioned The Bedazzler. That cracked me up. We had this American ad for it in Oz with this 'Yeehaw' couple (with 'business at the front, party at the back' hair) studding each other's stonewash jeans. It was a big family joke in my youth. That and the Abdo-er (made by John Abdo). Whoops, sorry, you're still there Dr No. and friends. I thought it was just me and Ink for a minute. Excuse me.

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  7. Geez I sound like an arse. Sorry team. Shame spiral.

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  8. AH, you're hilarious.

    And the hairstyle you describe sounds like a mullet on steroids!

    Quick, Dr. No: do you have any mulletesque bedazzlers in your image locker? Maybe -- but oh this would be too much to hope for -- doing herkies?

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  9. I say screw the bedazzler for scrapbookers. Momentous occasions call for Iron-On Decals! Do you remember those silvery shiny glittery slabs that came fixed to sheer white paper so you could iron rainbows and unicorns on tshirts, handbags, pillows. They were at every mall, concert, and parade. I ironed a blue sparkly snake to my girl scout sash and gave my mother a coronary. All those scrapbookers need to make their fun shit into sparkly fun shit for everyone.

    AH, there's a requirement for a blog crazie on every post. Cheers! Pass the hose when you're done. jc

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  10. Wowsa! Talk about art: sign me up for one of those hoodies please! I'll have to pay COD, though. Is that a problem? It's not like I'm a blogging hobo or anything. ;)

    And is there a theme song? Something Rhinestone Cowboyesque? (Or maybe something from the soundtrack of Rhinestone, which was a bizarre but amusing Dolly Parton/Sylvester Stallone vehicle.)

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  11. Arlenna: It is pretty damn fun.

    Proflike: C'mon! That was 9.9!

    Aurora: I could use some help cranking out these new hoodies, interested?

    Ahist: True, sparkly crap.

    AHopeful: Go right on ahead, with Ink being all hobo now, you gotta catch her when you can.

    JC: YES! Iron-Ons!

    Ink: I bedazzle you a special stick so you can turn your hoodie into hobo luggage. (Sorry, I'm on an unexplaibable hobo kick)

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  12. A blog is a scrapbook. Which makes me wonder: is there somewhere out there a scrapbook made of blog posts?

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  13. The bedazzled hoodie? I want to go there.

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  14. Joe: That's a rather horrifying thought...anyone seen or participated in such a thing?

    Clio: Coming right up!

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  15. A moment of silence please...drum roll...did you know that there is a "Scrapebooking for Dummies" book out there? T'is true!

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  16. WHAT?!? Is it like 1 page long? Include instructions on how to work glue?

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  17. 345 pages long to be exact. See amazon.com There are several of these books - all about the art and science :) of making scrapbooks.

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