Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Vacancy

Dr. No is not in. Dr. No is also referring to itself in the third person. Why is Dr. No like this? Dr. No had its mind blown apart. I am Dr. No’s reptile brain, known as Dr. Iguana. I was quietly hanging at the base of Dr. No’s brain just doing my thing. You know, keeping the old heart rate in check regulating body temperature, same old shit I do every day. Next thing I know the whole Corporation just explodes. Damn. I’m in the corner office now. Pretty roomy in here, downright spacious. Not sure what to do though. I’ve got to get Dr. No back. Yes, it will know what to do. But what happened? I remember hearing voices right before the explosion, but I wasn’t really paying attention. What was that voice saying? That voice was vaguely familiar…it was asking a question maybe? Geez, this is tough. Oh crap! I’ve let Dr. No’s heart rate go through the roof. Its’ hard to think about this many things at one time! OK, think. What happened? Something about teaching…I GOT IT! The familiar voice asked if Dr. No would teach a class at 7:30. Then the rest of the office screamed “7:30 in the motherfucking morning?!?!!!!!!” and then all I remember was a flash of bright light and then silence. Think. How do I fix this? I could give Dr. No a heart attack. No, that won’t help. How would that weasely guy who worked in the Excuses Department handle this? Maybe there are some files left in his office.

YES! Here we go. Let’s see, all that appears to be left are: not feeling well, dentist appointment, lack of travel funds, must have left it at home, must be on my laptop, having car troubles, it’s not you it’s me, it’s not me it’s you damnit, I’m allergic, and OK but just this once. I don’t think any of these are going to work. There must be something else in here…What if I just say that mornings are when Dr. No likes to write and it would be a huge career destroying inconvenience to lose this valuable time. Wait, am I allowed to lie? I’m pretty sure writing and sleeping are two different things. I’d visit the Lying Department but I could never get through security. The locks, lasers, ninjas, and booby traps are all on autopilot and are impenetrable (wait a minute, shouldn’t I control that? I thought I was autopilot, like the blow up pilot doll in Airplane! Shit that movie was funny, it appealed to me on a fundamental level). Well, why the hell not. Let’s give it a try. No. I can’t possibly teach during that time slot I really need my mornings for writing.

It’s working!!! I see people coming back to work! The office is magically reconfiguring itself! Whew. Dr. No better let me watch Airplane! again for this. Hell yeah! I want some Cheetos too.

29 comments:

  1. Who do they even expect to come to a class at 7:30? Is your doctorate in insomnia or the history of masochism?

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  2. I have no fucking idea and I hope I never find out.

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  3. I like that: "My mornings are for writing." Do you mind if I borrow it? (Although you should know that I will return it well worn.)

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  4. ARIZONA?! I predict you will be sorely disappointed on Friday.

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  5. It's all yours Clio (but please wipe off the Peep dust before returning)

    Anonymous: Fuck yeah, Zona! They have destroyed my bracket, the least they could do is get one more win.

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  6. I taught freshman comp at 7:30am, four days a week, at my community college when I was in my first trimester of my first pregnancy. Sucked.

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  7. GEW - Two reasons to vomit in one class. Wow.

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  8. My first chemistry class in college was five days/week, 7:45am, during the winter quarter in Northern Midwestern State University. The awful-est part was driving to campus and waddling into class in my parka/mittens/hat/scarf/boots outfit (tres sexy), only to see the kids who lived on campus (= dorm connected to campus by tunnels) sashaying in wearing flipflops and jammies. *urge to kill rising...*

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  9. And I thought my 8:05 humanities class was awful... next semester they've shifted our classes even earlier. Pure. Evil.

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  10. Fantastic (and slightly trippy) post, Dr. No. I am glad you were assertive and not a "dutiful daughter" (Margaret Thornton's term for female academics who tend to agree to every request/demand made of them with some hope that it will all count, meanwhile male academics tend to be better at either being assertive or avoiding things that cut into their research time). Anyway, not trying to change the tone to something awfully heavy - I am still thinking about that reptile in your brain and smiling about Airplane (which is nothing short of genius). It's just that I went to an academic practice (new mangerialist) thingy yesterday and gender was one of the topics.

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  11. This is extremely funny and I don't want to know what creatures would crawl in at that hour either. I don't know whether to hope for more from Dr Iguana or not...

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  12. Academic, HopefulMarch 26, 2009 at 4:30 AM

    Dr. No., just so I don't sound like I am on drugs (in earlier comment), I was aware that you were talking about one of the three parts of the brain. But your description made me think of a lizard in your skull, a slow, compulsive creature with eyes and a voice. I hope that was part of the cleverness of your post and not evidence of my warped, write-up frame of mind.

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  13. Hopeful: Who is to say I wasn't on drugs? But good point, I'm pleased I didn't allow myself to get roped into that either (and our brains are both warped since we both like Airplane).

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  14. I think you should reward Dr Iguana; obviously, s/he was up to the task and managed a crisis really well. Then you could get Dr I to go give the fool that asked such a question a tail slap upside the head.

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  15. Love it(the list with "It's not you, it's me" = especially brilliant)! Bravo for pulling out the perfect reason under pressure. Way to go, Dr. No! (Not only am I cheering loudly, but also I just did a herky on your behalf.)

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  16. WOW! I haven't heard the term "herky" in ages. I'll have to do one too!

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  17. Herky??

    I too was imagining a medium-sized reptile curled around your medulla oblongata...your literal imagery is awesome.

    Lizard wanna cheeto?

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  18. Lizard WANT a cheeto, Lizard want ALL cheetos.

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  19. I nearly fell over laughing at herky. B A N A N A S Go Go bananas!

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  20. I've got to remember that dutiful daughter moniker. I am often stupidly like that--thus the reason that I was an accreditation whore last year (see previous post by Dr. No about service whores). From that experience, combined with my observance of the angling by other faculty members about classes, offices, perks, etc., I realized that my whoring didn't do much for me, especially since we now have all new administrators who don't even know my name.

    On another note, I certainly did a lot of herkies back in the day. Yes. I was a (sshhhhh! keep it as a whisper) . . . a cheerleader.

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  21. Good Enough- could you work your cheer magic tomorrow night for the AZ game? Perhaps if we do enough herkies they will win.

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  22. Later Herky Update: I'll see that Ow! and I'll raise you one Help I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up!

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  23. We just need to commit to practicing our herkies, ZONA needs us. C'mon Ink, training montage time!

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  24. Anyone confused about the herky? Please see the instructional photos posted over on the right.

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  25. We're go to commence training montage...with The Eye of the Tiger blasting on volume 11.

    But we *don't* have to wear one of those uniforms from the great moments in herkies pics (which made me laugh so hard that I was teary), right?

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  26. Good choice of music Ink! (We don't HAVE to wear a uniform, but Good Enough Woman might have one to lend us...)

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  27. My mother does still have one of my uniforms, but I am not exaggerating when I say that the waistband now only fits one thigh. Are any of you really skinny? About 5'3" and 100 pounds? No? Me neither. Not 100 pounds. Probably not even 5'3".

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