Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Divine Coincidence?

Go ahead, ask me that question. But before you do, answer a few questions for me. 1). Have I not been uncharacteristically patient and tactful with you? Yes, yes I have. I know I have. I know because I not only force myself to construct careful answers to your questions, but I also suppress all visible signs of teeth grinding and eye rolling. This is a difficult task for me. It involves not only preventing myself from visibly expressing my frustration, but also to suppress the efforts I have to go to make it appear that I am not trying to suppress these things. It’s really a two step mental process (don’t let my genuine reaction show, and then don’t let it show how painfully difficult this is). I do this for you. 2). Have I not made it clear that I am merely asking you to understand the basic principles that underlie how practitioners in my field of study interpret this particular aspect of the world? Yes, yes I have. I have only asked that you attempt to understand this point of view, I have not required you to adopt it. We have covered this ground before in my responses to your other questions. Remember that one about Noah?

I now see that yet another nugget of information I just presented to you is causing alarm bells in your head. You are imagining horns sprouting from my head. I can detect a mounting urgency in your arm muscles…that arm is just twitching to pop up isn’t it? But you know what? I am just going to keep staring at this slide. You can go right on ahead imagining a rising wall of flames engulfing me. While you’re at it, I suggest you contemplate what the biblical explanation would be for why, at this very moment, you have an asshole and I happen to have a laser pointer that I could shove up it.

12 comments:

  1. I hereby canonize you Saint No, the Laser-pointing Professor who lights up holes where the sun ain't shining.

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  2. It's good to find a fellow believer in Intelligent Laser Design. I am sick of dealing with these heathens who insist they evolved from Maglites.

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  3. I am tempted to make an "enlightenment" crack, but it seems so fucking corny.

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  4. You said "crack"--that's good enough for me. ;)

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  5. Raptor Jesus. The Sham-wow guy. What next, mudkips? Someone is familiar with /b/. Awesome.

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  6. Huh? Is this something us old people don't know about? Can I access what you are referring to via jitterbug phone?

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  7. You do know about Shark Jesus, don't you? There was a 'second coming' too. google "shark jesus" for funny shit. Here's the science angle story of a virgin birth
    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081010173054.htm

    heh, you said crack. hee hee.

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  8. Wait -- What? Sorry, I was too busy pushing my radical queer agenda on my students to read this post.

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  9. OMG! I totally went to school with that girl and she's STILL there! I guess they didn't let her graduate because she kept failing her bio finals.

    Yeah, if you flatly refuse to provide any answer AT ALL to the biggest question on the exam because it requires a peripheral explanation or even acknowledgment of natural selection...you probably aren't going to get a passing grade. Good luck getting into med school. Too bad Jesus doesn't sit on the admissions board.

    Love the pic - Jesus Loves the Little Dinosaurs of the World!

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  10. Three words: Flying Spaghetti Monster.

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  11. You have horns sprouting out of your head? And a laser pointer? I'm so jealous!

    I think your student showed up in my class a few years ago. She put me on the Big Board at her church and sent me a list of "evidence" that transubstantiation actually does turn bread into the body of Christ.

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  12. Whoa. I wonder if jesus bread is the nutritional equivalent of whole grain?

    (spaghetti monster fans: AArrrggh! Mateys!)

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