Saturday, February 27, 2010

This Could Earn Me A Pulitzer

So if you’re in a four-man bobsled team, and you’re not the driver or the brakeman, your job is to run, push, and jump into the ice jalopy. That’s it. Run and push, sit. The running and pushing lasts all of two seconds, the sitting slightly longer. Since I once helped push-start a car, I consider myself something of an expert on these matters. I even engaged in a little bobsled training last night while watching the Olympics. You can too. Just stand on the side of your couch and practice hopping over the armrest onto the seat real fast. I did this multiple times while exclaiming “Look! I’m a bobsledder!” In addition to honing your bobsledding skills it provides loads of entertainment for your fellow Olympic-watchers (especially the 20th time you do it). Last night we saw a few bobsled teams flipped over on the dreaded 50-50 Curve (or as the announcers call it: THE 50-50 CURVEAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!).

The flipped over teams went barreling down the track on their heads. Fortunately, no one appeared injured. This speaks to the importance of helmets. Cruising down the ice chute on their heads these teams were able to maintain some pretty impressive speeds and finish the race without noticeable head trauma. Way to go helmet designers right? Well, I believe there is a larger message to be learned from this. No one is talking about it publicly yet, but the whispers in the bobsled community are growing louder. Dramatic innovations in bobsledding helmets are being created in top secret bobsledding labs all around the world. There might even be such a facility in your own community, tucked away and out of sight. Perhaps deep underground, accessible only by password via your local bowling alley or donut shop proprietor, there could even be a top secret bobsledding lab right next door to your own home! What are they up to? Well, here’s the scoop: Helmets are being manufactured with running blades. In the event of a flip over bobsledders will be able to cruise down not just on their heads, but on running blades attached to their helmets. When all four bobsledders align their heads they will essentially create a complete sled blade enabling them to continue their run smoothly in the event of a flip over. Obviously three blades on each helmet are required, a little unwieldy, but certain to provide the biggest innovation in bobsledding since the development of sledsuit butt-webbing.

You haven’t heard about this through NBC because they are in collusion with the bobsledders. As an Olympic investigative reporter I’m tracking this story for you. If you have any tips please report them to me. Do not trust any other news organizations! Perhaps you have seen suspicious bobsled activity in your neighborhood (like odd tracks in the snow that might lead to a secret bobsled lab) or suspicious lycra suit fragments? Report all information regarding secret bobsledding activity directly to me.

12 comments:

  1. Fuck bobsledding. All those fuckers look like a bunch of law-firm softball league benchwarmers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I thought this was going to be some kind of analogy for science careers. Oh well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Comrade you seem awful dismissive of bobsledding. Mighty suspicious...perhaps you would care to explain your recent whereabouts?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ms.PhD, aren't we all just bobsledders on this 50-50 curve we call life?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dr. No, you provide the most entertaining Olympics coverage. You have made my two week lack of new tv worth it. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Since McD's is a proud sponsor of the Olympics, I'd like to smear grease from the fries over my bobsled helmet in case of a flip. I think it would speed up the times around that 50/50. A world-record time "to go" snack with a medal. HAPPY MEAL! We could do commercials with bobsledding through the drive-thru greasing up the helmets first, then slathering up our thighs to fit in those skinny leotards while snacking. I need to practice ordering on the run, start times could be better.
    jc

    ReplyDelete
  7. Congrats Canada. I'm trying to sing your anthem in respect of your hockey victory...I don't know the words. I'm singing O Christmas Tree instead, hope that works for ya.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bobsleders look like some mean fuckin athletes/soldiers. Probably because they are.

    Qualifications: 90-130kg and able to run 50m in 6 seconds or less.

    They'd eat you alive CPP.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I need a kiss and cry area! *sniff sniff sniff* It's over, Dr. No. I haz a sad. :(
    jc

    ReplyDelete
  10. Um, I don't think so. Think about it. Those jummper-inner guys have to tuck their heads down and forward once they jump in. Think of all the slicing and dicing going on of the backs on everyone but the caboose guy. No, no. This is not happening. Something is definitely happening, just not that.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I really salute this site, http://awriter.org/smartwritingservice-com-review/ the main reason why ?? basically simply because you really appreciate weblogs and also other write-up.

    ReplyDelete