Friday, February 26, 2010

Cause It Was Ladies Night!

And the feelings right, la, la, la, la, la! I don’t know anymore lyrics to that song, but feel free to sing quietly to yourself if you do. Every Winter Olympics we are collectively cajoled into giving a shit about Ladies Figure Skating and every year I watch like the obedient ‘Merican citizen that I am. This ritualized behavior results in me, every four years, thinking: a) what the fuck was that? b) are my triple-clutz jokes still funny? and, c) who names their child Richard Button? I am still left pondering these issues, but let’s review the final six skaters. Oh, but due to the occasional, yet overrated, need for sobriety I watched the skating sans chemical enhancement. Which means I was: a) bored, b)unable to remember any of the skaters names and, c) compelled to think of things in the form of lettered lists. So here was the lineup:

Red with tights that didn’t match her skin color girl (USA): Not good. Not good at all. Sorry, I feel a twinge of guilt (see what sobriety does to me?!?) trashing some teenager, but this girl needs to focus her efforts elsewhere because figure skating is not her strength. She was painfully NOT graceful on the ice and I couldn’t help but wonder if she had some crazy Mormon underwear on under her skating outfit. You know how some Mormon women have that pale, larval, grossly wholesome look going on? She had that in spades. Not good. (yeah, I said it)
Green Cleopatra Robot (Japan): With the right choreography this girl could be a contender. What is the right choreography you ask? The robot dance. You know what I mean, who among has never engaged in a little robot dance? That herky-jerky suite of movements that never ceases to be funny while drinking could really be her dance genre. On an additional choreography note, if you are going to dress up like Cleopatra you HAVE to “walk like an Egyptian” during your footwork sequences. Everyone knows that. Automatic 15 point deduction, sorry Robo-skater.
Blue Graceful (Korea): She rocked! I Kim Yu Na, she rocked it. Gold medal.
Pippy Long-Sleeves (Japan): This lady was good too. Very graceful. Silver medal.
Turquoise (Canada): She gets a free pass. Her mom died. Bronze medal.
Red & Black (USA): She has potential but had the unfortunate position of skating after Blue Graceful and Pippy Long-Sleeves got the crowd all fired up and Turquoise got everybody all misty-eyed. It was like being scheduled to give your conference presentation following the biggest crank in your field who gave a paper trashing the previous paper, which was delivered by the biggest most famous person in your field. What the fuck are you supposed to do?


  1. That's a perfect summary. I died laughing. DIED.

  2. I didn't even read that shit! Figure skating is fucking boring. Although I do like that "triple shitcow" stunt.

  3. There was one outfit that had a giant cross on her chest. And no, she didn't nail her routine.

  4. Hi-fucking-larious.
    I Kim Yu Na.

    For the skaters named by look or technique: 34.6
    For the lead in that included honest admission of how freaking lame ladies ice crap is: 33
    For the question about Mr. Richard Button, which got me thinking about an alternate toggle closure on ice dancing costumes that actually uses a dick button: 7.8
    I will never get that image out of my head. Thanks.

  5. I love it, this was the one I watched too and was trying to figure out that girl's tights.

    larval wholesomeness, lol.

  6. Kim Yu Na rocked.

    But, really, was it necessary to enforce the "no commentary" rule when the dead mom girl skated? I get that no one wants to be the one to criticize dead mom skater -- but I'm so accustomed to having Scott Hamilton tell me precisely what jumps are coming up, it's like I've lost the ability to watch figure skating without it ... all that respectful silence was deafening.

  7. Will be sending this round to the laydies in College. Two have them are now having figure skating lessons here in Oxford. It's captivating stuff, DN, and the fact that you watch it shows what lengths you will go to for the laydies...You start with figure skating, then end by allowing her to talk about her Dad - unstoppable!

  8. I completely enjoyed your comparison between Olympic Ladies Figure Skating and presenting a paper at a conference.

    I didn't even watch the figure skating this year. I realized I only like it when we are winning. Otherwise, bleh. On the other hand, it only took me one match (or set or end. whatever.) of curling to realize the same thing.

  9. Great ideas and interesting too. Looking forward to know more about about ladies nights.

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