Sunday, February 21, 2010

Fortitude

I’ve made it a week. One week’s worth of Olympics. Can I keep it up? Am I strong enough? Have I trained hard enough? Am I ready to push into week two? Can I keep my momentum? Have I doped enough? Has my curling hat arrived yet? These are the questions I must ask myself. It all comes down to one thing: Do I have it in me?

I’m in the best television viewing shape of my life. I’m ready for this. I just have to get through the bobsledding (or bobsleigh if you prefer). It’s my toughest leg of the Olympics. It’s a fucking soap box derby on ice. What does one say about that? I’m trying to do my patriotic duty. (I consider my patriotic duties to entail voting, paying my taxes, showing up for jury duty, and watching the Olympics) Bobsledding will not break me! But what the fuck? It’s not a sport. Those sleds look ridiculous. There must be more efficient designs; I simply do not accept that the modified bat-mobile is the best option. And why bother with the unitards? Do you really need a skin tight suit to ride in those ice jalopies? There is the two-man and the four-man bobsled, can I suggest an additional race? I call it the “clown-man” wherein you cram as many untitarded people as possible into the sled, earning points for both speed and comic impact as the athletes de-sled (or de-sleigh if you prefer). Oh, there’s curling on. Yes!

13 comments:

  1. HA HA! I also feel like I'm in the best television-watching shape of my life. It's taken lots of self-discipline, but I'm ready, coach.

    "unitarded" = you are awarded massive word points.

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  2. "I consider my patriotic duties to entail voting, paying my taxes, showing up for jury duty, and watching the Olympics" -- Just as the Founding Fathers intended! You can endure, Dr. NO! Take one for the team, do it for Old Glory! If you don't, the terrorists will have won!

    I would also totally watch "clown-man" bobsledding.

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  3. No, my curling hat has NOT arrived yet! I will break out into the national anthem until you score a curling point and my cowbell is so warmed up I can fry an egg on it. When you do your victory lap, I'll throw you a furry bedazzled sparkly flag with pink tassels to wrap around all your glory.
    *throws a pillow onto the ice*
    jc

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  4. Bobsledding serves an important purpose. Without it, there would be no place in the Olympics for beer-bellied "athletes."

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  5. Sack the fuck up! You can do this thing!

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  6. AAAAAARRRrrrgggh! Must keep going! Beer- need more beer!

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  7. The US beat Canada in hockey! And I've never seen bedazzled flannel before - I kinda like it. The Adam and Eve getups were fugly flesh fashion FAIL.
    jc

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  8. Thank goodness someone mentioned the beerbellied bobsledder(s), clearly in baseball-player "shape." I kept expecting a chaw-spit at the top of the run.

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  9. That hockey game was GOOD, bobsledding and ice-dancing? Not so much.

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  10. Well, wait. Virtue & Moir had some NICE twizzles!

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  11. Do not forget...DO NOT forget...that your patriotic duties include getting all jacked up for the medal tallies, in which the accident of one's birthplace is deemed the most important category against which we compare success. If your country, wherein you pay taxes with the athletes who appear in those tallies, has more medals than another, you are clearly, as a citizen, a world-class athlete. You've earned your beer and unitard. Go forth and jingoistically proclaim your tally! It's yours! You've earned it watching more than seven days of television!

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  12. I liked the Davis and White twizzles. I'm captivated by the shoot it up and ski race now. Did you see Costas pull another shit inquisition with Apolo? He handled it nicely. I'm going to put rhinestones inside *and* outside the pants I make for Costas.
    jc

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  13. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard, but ice dancing is not making it easy.

    Ugh. I can do it. We can do it.

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