Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Swiffer Sweeper Why Aren’t You Sponsoring The Curling Team?

Some things just go together. Much like The Captain and Tennille, me and scotch, Joanie and Chachi, Swiffer Sweeper and curling are an obvious match. They just go together. It’s plain as day. Their union requires no explanation. What’s needed here, and I mean literally right here, is some brilliant and seamless segue into what doesn’t go together. Readers, you need to insert this brilliance yourself. Go ahead, take a minute and think up some text that could be inserted here that would change the course of this paragraph. Many of you are writers so just work your magic. I’m tapped out. Interspersed with my Olympic viewing marathon I am also watching the various shenanigans going on in my Department. I watch both safely ensconced in my saBATtical cave and today I feel the need to rant about one of my colleagues. So gone on now, take this little shred of Olympic coverage I’ve tossed out and work it into a train of thought about things that should never, ever, ever go together. Ready?

Listen up Professor Deadwood, you and Department Head DO NOT go together! You haven’t done a damn thing since I’ve been here, that’s almost seven fucking years. To be honest, I don’t even care. If you want to be non-productive, fine. But, just fucking embrace your role as deadwood. We’ve all given up on you completing any research, teaching a decent class, or even serving some general “senior colleague” advice-giving role. We all put up with your notorious lack of organizational skills, your inappropriate comments, and the general dislike we all feel toward you. We do this because many, many years ago you did some things. Nothing fantastic mind you, but enough that we can all see a little bit of ourselves in your younger self. Your accomplishments are just enough for us to try and maintain a degree of collegial respect until you retire. So what has gotten into you? All of a sudden you want to be department head? No fucking way. You are stirring up all kinds of drama. Why are you inventing problems, pretending to “know” things, spreading rumors? You and Department Head are a frightening mix. Nobody will support you. Your “strategy” for gaining our support is NOT working. Part of me fears that you have dementia and need some help and part of me wants to kick your elderly ass.

14 comments:

  1. It blows my mind how delusionally megalomaniacal these washed-up senile deadwood fucks become. We have old d00ds in my department who haven't been able to properly manage a lab with only three fucking people in it and an annual budget of a couple hundred thousand dollars for *years*, yet they genuinely believe--and pontificate about it endlessly--that they know better than the motherfucking Dean how to run a medical school with thousands of employees and with an annual budget of about one billion motherfucking dollars.

    And they are so indignant about it! The way that their shiny fucking bald heads get all red and sweaty! It is almost impossible not to laugh in their faces!

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  2. CPP does go with (perhaps fueled by) Motherfucking Jameson.

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  3. The CPP/MFJ combo even has the Yankee gnome mascot.

    Dr No asks "what doesn't go together?": um, Bungee Cords and Dancing. Plushenko and Thongs. Clown outfits and good scores. Mary the announcer and Colbert the Moose. Bob Costas and anyone.
    jc

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  4. Knee high socks and Bermuda shorts should never go together.

    And about your rant, Dr. No, so reminds me of the famous quote that has been attributed to about 10 different people: "University politics are so vicious because the stakes are so small."

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  5. Good not-goings-togethers.

    Scott Hamilton needs to stop making guttural noises and start explaining what the fuck is going on.

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  6. (jc, you freaking rule. Pluschenko and thongs?! lmao0

    things that do not goo together...McDonald's and aerial skiing (nuggets weigh you down), ice dancing and chain mail (ditto), Steven Colbert and NBC, logic and Americans, grading and thongs, children and sanity, Scotch and spinach (literally the only thing I can think of that does not go with Scotch, because Scotch and thongs, Scotch and grading, Scotch and department meetings, and Scotch and blogging all work for me).

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  7. Dr. No...I nearly spit out my scotch when I read that!!! Ahhhhh....Funny shit...

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  8. When Deadwood attacks, it's never pretty.

    But ... what? No ice skating coverage? Not even about: Scott Hamilton CRYING over the dead mother routine? Ygads!

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  9. Another false pairing for you: pancakes and Tabasco sauce. The guy sitting next to me at the counter of a diner one evening tried this, and then he himself acknowledged that it was a terrible idea.

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  10. Not gonna happen pairing:

    Apolo Ohno endorsing Hyundai cars.

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  11. ...They just go together. It’s plain as day. Their union requires no explanation.

    "Then there are things that, like stampeding rhinos and fine china, or blow-torches and juggling, plainly don't go togeter."

    Listen up Professor Deadwood, you and Department Head DO NOT go together!

    cicely

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  12. Another false pairing for you: pancakes and Tabasco sauce.

    However, monte cristo sangwiches with maple syrup and Tabasco on top: PURE FUCKING HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  13. And hashbrowns with syrup and Tabasco...tasty. Shit, now I'm hungry.

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