Our lovely world of academe has some standard forms of star treatment, and I’m talking star treatment in the Hollywood sense. Well, it’s not Hollywood, but our version of star treatment- those times when our departments try to pull out all the stops for a “special guest” appearance. It really is like a “very special episode” version of your regular work environment. Everything is all spiffy and collegial, tweeds get busted out, people arrive on time for things, and it’s quite the show. The problem is, it’s ALMOST the end of the semester. I really just want to ditch my office and get the fuck out of here. But no.Look visiting star, you are a star. I see that. It’s fantastic that you are here and willing to let us milk you for all you’re worth. But fuck. I am tired. This is bad timing. You realize I am mere weeks away from my first sabbatical? Can you remember when you were in this position? Did you feel like adding more to your schedule? No. I’m sure you didn’t. During your time with me, we will just be chillin’ OK? A beverage could be involved if you like…coffee, tea, martinis, jello shots, liquid nitrogen, juice, paint thinner- I’m easy. Consider my office a place to relax, like your trailer between scenes.
We have a Big Cheese seminar booked for the week of exams. Big Cheese is 3 cheeses from THE Top, which is of course, 4 cheeses from THE Almighty. The emails are flying around for babysitting duty and every ham wanting for a cheese combo is bitching about the timing (and cc'd to all, of course, in true sociopath fashion). I thought I was going to have to cough up my plane tickets to show the chair that I am NOT available (in addition to not giving a crap about cheese). I might just cc my itinerary to the whole dept anyway. Can't beat em (up), join em. Not you "em"... them.
ReplyDeleteBut after your Sabbatical and the Amazing Work Completed Therein, you will get to be a Visiting Star somewhere and crush someone else's plans! Huzzah!
ReplyDeleteIt's all part of the academic circle of life and crushing...
Please mention in a later post whether you pull off the planned chilled approach or whether you buckle and end up bowing whenever Visting Star enters the room and laughing that little bit too eagerly at his jokes.
ReplyDeleteAnon: you better cc that itinerary (there are whispers a flyin' regarding why faculty member so-and-so wasn't present at the lunch...fucking ridiculous)
ReplyDeleteInk: I will insist that giant bowls of cheetos be present at every function I attend, oh, and I'll need some welcome herkies.
AHopeful: I'll let you know. (but I have an advantage, an odd little tie to our big cheese which always helps)
I would give ANYTHING to see a scholar walk up to present and be accompanied by "welcome herkies"!
ReplyDelete**UPDATE**
ReplyDelete1. The Big Cheese is 2 weeks away from retirement and spent 45 minutes commiserating about how this semester WILL NOT END.
2. I now have unflagging repsect for Big Cheese.
3. If I am ever Big Cheese there will be shit tons of fucking welcoming herkies.
I'm simultaneously snickering and laughing at your comments. In other words, I'm snaughing. Fun With Herkies Will Never Die.
ReplyDeleteI just jumped up and did a herky to practice for your future stint as Big Cheese.
ReplyDeleteTHANKS Clio!
ReplyDelete