Friday, April 10, 2009

Can I Help You Find Something?

The following lists are actual Google search terms that (somehow) led people to click their way into the wide, wide, world of Acadamnit. These are legit folks.

The Strangely Appropriate:
anger classes”blogspot”
complains about tiaa cref
jobs for weirdos
olde English font for ms word (I hope this searcher learned that such fonts are only appropriate for advertising renaissance fairs.)
parking can’t see lines because of snow
“plow science” journal (This one, or variants of it, come up frequently. Are you wondering if it really is fake?)
tiaa cref is crap (Funny, every time I mention TIAA-CREF I get a smattering of hits from TIAA-CREF. So, hi mysterious TIAA-CREF employees! You have what was once a lot, but is now just some, of my money. Please take care of it. I have never said you were crap, you are lovely, lovely people who are currently in control of a sizeable portion of my retirement funds. Did I mention that I LOVE TIAA-CREF?)
tiaa people
“tenure inflation” (I think I invented this term. It could have existed before I used it, so I don’t want to take credit for making up existing words, but I like this term. It defines a concept that sorely needed its own word. Please add it to your academic lexicon.)

The Seems Appropriate But You Made a Bad Decision Clicking Here:
average number of publications at tenure
tenure meeting
philosophy tenure “number of publications”

Could Be Appropriate, But I Suspect You Wanted Something VERY Different:
ben linus tight jeans (I like Ben too, but not that much)
bob marley
byzantine plow (Did you think I was a plow scientist? I thought I made them up to…)
jean teasdale
jitterbug phone (Look, if you can use the internet you can use a normal phone)
leigh kino

Downright Strange:
andalso does not short
how do you get a pink slipped t shirt (I have no idea)
national geographic hyena “heart rate (huh?)
snow tiaa-cref
this is not coincidence who am i dealing with? (double huh?)

Not Appropriate (at least not at work):
service whors
service whores (While this could be reasonable, I suspect you didn’t have blog reading in mind, try Craig’s List)
my tits, acadamnit
my tits (How the fuck did you end up here with that search? The internet has billions of tits for you to look at, none of them are mine- I hope. Or were you looking for your tits? Is there something so fantastic about your tits that you expect them to be featured on my blog?)

Inadvertently Intriguing:
does your writing style give away our gender (Well, that’s interesting and I see what you’re getting at. But, does MY writing style give away YOUR gender? What am I a gender Ouija board?)


  1. At least you don't have folks searching for "brother sister incest."

    I envy you that. I envy you that real good.

  2. how the hell did herky not make the list?
    hyena rocks.

  3. Wonderful! I can't imagine why anyone wants to see Ben Linus in tight jeans (the picture in my mind's eye is a bit scary), but I have a vivid image of TIAA CREF folks checking on their auras every day, and I have a pity-inducing image of self-identified unemployed weirdos looking for career advice!

  4. At least you didn't get "how to make my ass look good". I'm pretty sure my blog wasn't much help for this poor person. At the same time, how many links did they have to go through before clicking the one that led to mine? That's got to be a lot of ass advice.

  5. What techological secret do you have that allows you to discover these things?

  6. I sometimes get people searching for questions about shaving their most intimate areas.

  7. Geez, that's some weird shit...incest, intimate shaving?

    Prof-like: Oh, that was me! Sorry, I just wanted my ass to look good, geez.

    Good Enough: This is top secret info, but as a Club Herky member I believe you can be trusted. Try Google Analytics.

  8. Hilarious. And you included a Flying Spaghetti Monster pic! Happy sigh...

  9. For 20 years I have been a non-tenure track instructor of music in Arkansas (low pay obviously). I have only accumulated $971,338 in my TIAA-CREF due to their incompetence. How am I going to live on that paltry amount even in rural Arkansas?