Todeigh At The Olympics

I’m still watching. I figure getting completely burnt out on sports I never watch is all part of the Olympic experience. What happened tonight? Well, some Swedish dude won a gold in x-country. Mary Carillo went sled-dogging. There was skiing, the visibility sucked. Lindsey Vonn crashed, Mancuso had to stop her run, she skied over to a crashed Vonn, it was weird. Then they made Mancuso re-run, she did, landed in 18th place, and then she cried while Vonn took off to get her hand x-rayed. The second run was canceled due to shit weather. Which, if you were watching this in primetime like me, suddenly explained why the night’s lineup seemed so lame- you take away the skiing and you’re left with more speedskating, some bobsleigh (that makes it sound more interesting) and some free style skiing aerials (fuck that sport needs a better name).

Speed skating offered the usual parade of ping-pong ball hats and 80s sunglasses but the Womens Relay was an impressive throwdown by South Korea. They beat China. Well, they beat them until the ref’s disqualified South Korea at which point they lost big time. The call was complete bullshit and the 10 minute monologue entitled “Who Paid This Ref?” that I yelled at the tv did not reverse this verdict. China won gold, Canada the silver, and the ‘Merican team won bronze (even though we were soooooo far behind we got lapped). Korea won damnit. With all the authority vested in me as an Olympic commentator, I award Korea the gold medal (if China refuses to give it up, Plushenko should give Korea his platinum). Moving on, bobsleigh was weigh boring. I saw the “too tall Jones” the “snowboard in space” and the “mom gets credit for the happy meal” commercials for the hundredth time. But the Olympic crowds are get rowdier (I suspect most of the bobsleigh crowd is weighsted) and the announcers are all running on fumes. It’s enough to keep me interested.

Swiffer Sweeper Why Aren’t You Sponsoring The Curling Team?

Some things just go together. Much like The Captain and Tennille, me and scotch, Joanie and Chachi, Swiffer Sweeper and curling are an obvious match. They just go together. It’s plain as day. Their union requires no explanation. What’s needed here, and I mean literally right here, is some brilliant and seamless segue into what doesn’t go together. Readers, you need to insert this brilliance yourself. Go ahead, take a minute and think up some text that could be inserted here that would change the course of this paragraph. Many of you are writers so just work your magic. I’m tapped out. Interspersed with my Olympic viewing marathon I am also watching the various shenanigans going on in my Department. I watch both safely ensconced in my saBATtical cave and today I feel the need to rant about one of my colleagues. So gone on now, take this little shred of Olympic coverage I’ve tossed out and work it into a train of thought about things that should never, ever, ever go together. Ready?

Listen up Professor Deadwood, you and Department Head DO NOT go together! You haven’t done a damn thing since I’ve been here, that’s almost seven fucking years. To be honest, I don’t even care. If you want to be non-productive, fine. But, just fucking embrace your role as deadwood. We’ve all given up on you completing any research, teaching a decent class, or even serving some general “senior colleague” advice-giving role. We all put up with your notorious lack of organizational skills, your inappropriate comments, and the general dislike we all feel toward you. We do this because many, many years ago you did some things. Nothing fantastic mind you, but enough that we can all see a little bit of ourselves in your younger self. Your accomplishments are just enough for us to try and maintain a degree of collegial respect until you retire. So what has gotten into you? All of a sudden you want to be department head? No fucking way. You are stirring up all kinds of drama. Why are you inventing problems, pretending to “know” things, spreading rumors? You and Department Head are a frightening mix. Nobody will support you. Your “strategy” for gaining our support is NOT working. Part of me fears that you have dementia and need some help and part of me wants to kick your elderly ass.

Team America!

Fuck Yeah! As stated beautifully by Naptime Writing in the comments of my last post:

“Do not forget...DO NOT forget...that your patriotic duties include getting all jacked up for the medal tallies, in which the accident of one's birthplace is deemed the most important category against which we compare success. If your country, wherein you pay taxes with the athletes who appear in those tallies, has more medals than another, you are clearly, as a citizen, a world-class athlete.”

Damn straight! Suck it Canadian hockey fans! Go USA! These colors don’t run! Or curl, or bobsled, or men’s luge, but let’s not get picky. U-S-A! U-S-A! Hey world: Guess who’s winning the medal count? ‘Merica! And you know what you can’t make ‘Merica without? ME! Otherwise you’d just be left with ‘Rica, which could imply Costa Rica I guess, but do you see any ‘Rican athletes kicking ass on the slopes? No sirreee. In fact it’s as clear as the beautiful aquamarine ocean waters that I would very much like to be swimming in that tropical countries suck at the Winter Olympics. Ha! Unbelievable. You lazy beach dwellers just aren’t badass enough to compete with ‘Merica! Learn to ski damnit. And guess what higher latitude countries: We are crushing you too! Just because your entire population is the size of only one of our awesome states is no excuse. Pull yourselves up by your lederhosen! But thanks for showing up athletes-from-loser-countries! The more attractive among you can enjoy fornicating with our athletes. (But please keep in mind that any children resulting from such unions should be educated in your country, not mine. Oh, and any required medical care is best dealt with in your country too.)

Fortitude

I’ve made it a week. One week’s worth of Olympics. Can I keep it up? Am I strong enough? Have I trained hard enough? Am I ready to push into week two? Can I keep my momentum? Have I doped enough? Has my curling hat arrived yet? These are the questions I must ask myself. It all comes down to one thing: Do I have it in me?

I’m in the best television viewing shape of my life. I’m ready for this. I just have to get through the bobsledding (or bobsleigh if you prefer). It’s my toughest leg of the Olympics. It’s a fucking soap box derby on ice. What does one say about that? I’m trying to do my patriotic duty. (I consider my patriotic duties to entail voting, paying my taxes, showing up for jury duty, and watching the Olympics) Bobsledding will not break me! But what the fuck? It’s not a sport. Those sleds look ridiculous. There must be more efficient designs; I simply do not accept that the modified bat-mobile is the best option. And why bother with the unitards? Do you really need a skin tight suit to ride in those ice jalopies? There is the two-man and the four-man bobsled, can I suggest an additional race? I call it the “clown-man” wherein you cram as many untitarded people as possible into the sled, earning points for both speed and comic impact as the athletes de-sled (or de-sleigh if you prefer). Oh, there’s curling on. Yes!

Norwegian Wood

The Olympic village should be turning into a big pile of sex about now. Before the Olympics started, I read a few things about the atmosphere in the Olympic village. Here’s an example. As far as I can tell, as soon as an athlete finishes competing, they start fucking their fellow athletes. So as more events are completed, more and more athletes join the party side of the village. I imagine that for once in their lives they can relax— relax in an atmosphere filled with equally hard-bodied ultra athletic superhumans like themselves. I’m sure there’s a few goody-two-shoe athletes wholesomely reading the bible (Hmmmm. Training 20 hours a day or Jesus. I wonder which one is responsible?). But most athletes must feel like they just entered the best dating scene of their lives. A village full of people in peak condition who have been depriving themselves of all good kinds of fun for four damn years. Then poof! You’re done! P-A-R-T-Y. This is a rather interesting atmosphere. So very Olympian. Have fun athletes!

Make The Call. Make The Call Now!

The Olympics have inspired me to pursue my own dream. Not the dream where I’m in the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (where in addition to badass martial art skills I have all kinds of great sex), not the dream where I discover that I’ve forgotten to attend a class for the entire semester and magically appear at the final exam completely unprepared, and not the dream where the MacArthur Genius Grant folks show up at my door with a giant Publishers Clearinghouse style check. Not those dreams. This dream:

I’ve tacked this up at my local ice-skating rink. I can’t wait for destiny to call!

NBC Skating Fail?

I guess we have to talk about men’s figure skating. I watched the “short” programs last night and I am somewhat at a loss for words. I could discuss the ridiculous costumes (e.g., Skeletor, and those horrendous “overalls”), make a few Dick Button jokes (a la hey baby what do you push for a good time?), or tackle the mysterious judging protocols. But you know, I am left troubled, two things really bothered me. First up, Yevgeny Plushenko. NBC aired on of those “athlete bio” thingies. Apparently Plushenko is a figure skating badass— he’s won all kinds of titles and has dominated the sport. The bio however made me think the motherfucking Cold War was still going on. NBC presented him as some Russian thug determined to crush the American spirit. The dude’s an ice-skater, a competitive ice-skater, must we turn him into some evil Ruski for wanting to win?

Second, Johnny Weir. I thought the announcers completely ignored him. Look, I don’t know jack shit about figure skating, but as a semi-conscious human I’ve inevitably picked up on the fact that he had some tv show, made some comments about his living conditions in the Olympic village, is considered “outrageous” etc. I don’t know what’s up with all that (feel free to fill me in if I’m missing some pertinent information here) but I thought the dude skated well. Usually the broadcasters lavish all kinds of attention on the American athletes, but they completely ignored Weir last night. When he first stepped onto the ice, knowing only that he has garnered considerable off-ice publicity, I thought he might suck. That he might be a lousy skater and the broadcasters were intentionally withholding additional publicity. But the dude did good! Why no in depth analysis? Why no extensive discussion of ALL the American figure skaters? I felt like he was snubbed. Why? I am left with the impression that because he is honest about who he is (a gay male figure skater who likes his crazy costumes, uhm, is that really so unusual?) the stalwarts of American figure skating dissed him. Am I missing something? Did he not skate well? Is there more to this story? Am I off my rocker?

Hit & Flop

I am digging the curling. I watched a little curling during the last Olympics, but I didn’t pay much attention. It was something of a mystery to me when I first started watching. What’s an end? What are the symbols displayed on the screen? What’s the strategy? Fucking fascinating. On top of all that, these athletes seem like the bowlers of the Olympics. They are the “athletes” that don’t seem so “athletic”, the ones who really do eat at McDonalds, and are the only ones eating the chocolate pudding in the Village cafeteria. The commentary is sooooooo serious. They compared curling to chess. Yeah. What? I’m not really seeing that comparison, but I’ll keep watching.

MORE COWBELL!

Speed skating. I’ve been told a thousand times now (thanks NBC Olympic coverage) that it’s HUGE in the Netherlands. But you know where it’s NOT Huge? Here. Right here. Speed skating, much like trampoline jumping, ski jumping, and about 80% of all Olympic sports are sports I never watch. But right here, right now, I am getting a little bored with speed skating. It’s far too early for me to burn out on a sport. How many events are there? It is kinda interesting. They go really fast, it’s rather graceful when they are really cruising, it’s obviously difficult, there’s some interesting strategy going on with the passes, and they crash sometimes. These are all good reasons to enjoy speed skating, but I am rapidly losing interest.

Moguls. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Juuuuuuuuuuump. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch, Ouch. Juuuuuuuuuuump. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

A thousand years ago…this blog would have DRAGONS! Fucking retarded. Yeah, I said retarded. Have you seen these stupid Olympic programming segments made by Dreamworks to promote some stupid dragon movie? Yes? Then you get what I’m saying. No? Trust me, it’s retarded.

Snowboard cross. This is pretty damn fun to watch! On a random note, I once signed up for half-day individual snowboard lesson. I showed up at the appointed place and discovered that my instructor was a student in one of my classes. Fortunately he was enjoying my class and I tried hard to be a good student. It was a good time, but it was weird. (That’s the kind of random factoid Bob Costas won’t provide you ladies and gentleman! )

I better get back to my Olympic viewing. Which goes better with pairs figure skating; scotch or grain alcohol?

Olympic Coverage Update

Does anyone else think that athletes in the biathlon should wear assassin outfits? They could wear tight little ski unitards designed to look like movie assassins. Seeing them ski and shoot just reminds me of James Bond/Jason Bourne style shoot ‘em up craziness. And did the announcer say the biathlon course was sprayed with urea? Go ahead, let your mind run with that little nugget for a minute, let the “golden moment” jokes flow.

Do the mogul skiers pick the music that plays during their run? If so, way to go Michelle Roark! Eye of the Tiger is a fine choice.

Why aren’t we seeing all the medal ceremonies?

Canada could you just win a damn gold medal already! (UPDATE: YEAHHHH. They did it.)