Monday, July 12, 2010


Making shit move around doesn’t make it better. Unless you’re juggling, in which case it’s much better to keep shit moving around. Hold on, let me explain what I’m seeing right now. Microsoft Word, in its infinite wisdom, is freaking the fuck out right now. The title has the squiggly red lines under it and the second sentence appears to be resting on Astroturf. Oh, and Astroturf keeps getting capitalized even though I don’t think plastic greenery is worthy of capitalism. I’ve grown accustom to seeing a good percentage of the words I type sitting on little red or green squiggle boats. I don’t really care. I like pissing off Word. You ever click on the “About this sentence button”? I had never bothered until now. This is what comes up for the second sentence up there.

Fragment: If the marked words are an incomplete thought, consider developing this thought into a complete sentence by adding a subject or a verb or combining this text with another sentence.

Instead of: Meteors the entire night.

Consider: We watched meteors the entire night.

Instead of: Because the teacher said to.

Consider: You have to, because the teacher said to.

What? Technically, I get it. When I write for work I can make the effort to be grammatical. But when I just want to convey the fact that the addition of swirling photos all over the fucking University homepage just makes it even MORE annoying, well, fuck I will not consider revising! Why? Because the teacher fucking said so.


  1. I've always wanted to take that paper clip and bend it in 50 contorted ways before snapping it in half. Not that I have any pent up Microrage...

  2. You're losing your fucking shit, holmes. Time for cocktail hour. And BTW, why the fuck do you give a flying fuck what's on your university home page? Don't they have professional Webdouches to deal with that shit?

  3. You know what has always bothered me about that paperclip, aside from his existence, especially the pompous "It looks like you need some help" word bubble that appeared whenever I started to write a letter?

    The fact that he has eyebrows but no nose or mouth. That's just creepy.

  4. Consider: We watched motherfucking meteors the entire fucking night.

    Bring on the red squigglies, yo mofo.

  5. This post cracked me up because one of my best friends just started a new job. So I asked how it was going, and he said he has to write a tutorial.

    So I said, "You mean like the paperclip?"

    He nodded sadly. "Exactly like the goddamn motherfucking paperclip. I can't believe I'm contributing to more of that shit being in the world."

  6. Dude, Are you aware that it is possible to turn off all AutoCorrect functions in MicroSoft Word. If you have a PC it is a little trickier. What I think you have to do is spell a word wrong, then go into check spelling, then click Options, and then UNclick basically everything you can find (though I do like to hang onto my "smartquotes")

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