Thursday, October 29, 2009

Decafitated

I’ve spent the last 48 hours with a headache. Not a migraine, just an annoying headache. I tried all the usual things…am I hydrated? Check. Enough sleep? Check. Have I eaten? Check. Have I eaten something more nutritious than the Reeses Peanut Butter Cups I purchased because I finally realized it’s almost Halloween? Check. Have I eaten half the Peanut Butter Cups? Check. Have I also started on the Peanut M&M’s? No. But not a bad idea.

After two days of a persistent headache I found myself in a supremely lousy mood. Usually a couple of Advil and some coffee does the trick. I tried it yesterday, but nada. I decided to try again. Motherfuck. As I stood in the kitchen sipping coffee I notice a small green oval on the bag of grounds. What is that? I look more closely. DECAF! No shit my life has sucked for two days! I’m surprised my head hasn’t exploded. That little green oval bearing such shiteous news is 13x5mm. Millimeters people. 13x5 millimeters. Yes, I measured it before throwing that useless brown dirt in the trash. NO WHERE else on the bag does it announce this critically important tidbit of information. Caffeine addict? Check.

11 comments:

  1. I've always wondered: what is the point of decaf in the first place?

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  2. That's sad. And hilarious. Mostly hilarious.

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  3. Great post title. Really great graphic to show scale. Great news that your head did not, in fact, explode.

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  4. No caffeine for two days? How could you even muster up the energy to type?

    This is why they need a Starbucks Rescue Team on call 24/7.

    Whew, glad you made it through in one piece.

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  5. Drinking brown piss would make me lousy too. I personally would rather have the amoeba + flywing in my daily coffee than have the caffeine removed.
    The little green label should be a damn biohazard warning! RED ALERT. AHOOGA!
    jc

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  6. Even decaf coffee is usually only about two-thirds decaffeinated, which probably explains how you survived, but yes, ow, speaking as one who recently did a fortnight's detox I sympathise with your symptoms very considerably...

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  7. Oh, how I sympathize. I had to give up coffee for about 40 h. I was in a complete fog, only half functioning for that period. I did think my head was going to explode. It's simply cruel and unusual punishment (esp. for a postdoc). I now consider coffee my elixir of sanity and productivity.

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  8. Whew. I got to the point yesterday afternoon where I was seriously considering the possibility that there was something wrong, very wrong, with me. How I'd have to go the doctor and explain that my primary symptons are a headache and a sudden inability to complete a sudoku puzzle in a reasonable amount of time...do they prescribe good drugs for that?

    On the up side, coffee was delicious this morning- truly a pleasure.

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  9. I drink coca-cola instead of coffee, which seems to strike many people in academia (especially baby-boomers who love their coffee in the morning) as odd. But I have to have it. Otherwise, I suffer from the wihdrawal headaches and work becomes intolerable. Whether you need coffee or coca-cola in the morning, it is still a caffeine addiction.

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  10. That's just cruel. Do you think they had a good laugh at the coffee co., imagining poor suckers like you? Bastards.

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  11. So true. I was in the fog for last two afternoons since my wife bought me a coffee mug that contains 1 oe 2 oz. less than the standard cup of coffee...

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