Friday, October 16, 2009

Welcome To The Professordome

Please select the answer that best corresponds to your response to the following situations.

While showering you read that your shampoo claims to make your hair 97% shinier…
A). Wash your hair twice to make it 194% shinier. (1 point)
B). What? Is that based on some median hair shine value? And how exactly is hair shininess measured? 97% percent shinier? That’s a pretty significant increase in hair shininess no? How big a difference can there be between the dullest hair and the shiniest? I’d like to see some data. I guess you could measure how reflective it is… Wait. What was I doing? Have I even washed my hair yet? (4 points)
C). Cool. My hair looks like shit. (2 points)

Your friend seeks your advice regarding a strange odor emanating from their lab…
A). Maybe poochie just needs a bath? (1 point)
B). Have you checked the sediment trap? (4 points)

TIAA-CREF is…
A). That company that donates to NPR. (2 points)
B). The Teachers Insurance and Annuity Association - College Retirement Equities Fund. (4 points)
C). Those people with the annoying commercials? (1 point)

I still look forward to…
A). Christmas morning (1 point)
B). Weekends (2 points)
C). Motherfucking SPRING BREAK! Hell yeah! I mean, I just want to catch up on some work. (4 points)

When I google myself I am most interested in the results listed under…
A). Google Scholar (4 points)
B). Google Books (3 points)
C). Google Blogs (2 points)
D). Google Images (1 point)

I have socialized with people from my workplace and the following has happened…
A). Someone started quoting Beowulf. (4 points)
B). Someone got really drunk. (0 points, that question implies that YOU were at the party after all)
C). Cocktail napkins were used to graph the relationship between variables. (3 points)

Please sum the point totals that correspond to each of your answers.

20+ points = WELCOME TO THE PROFESSORDOME! The scotch bar is located along the back wall, the tweed and satchel check is to your right, and one of those stressed out looking graduate student would be happy to park your car.

9-19 points = I’m sorry your name is not on the list. Perhaps if someone inside is a co-author or can otherwise vouch for you…I’ll need a reprint of course for verification. Look, there is nothing I can do. Please join the line forming outside and perhaps we can accommodate you later. You’re just a little too hip to be square.

0-8 points = OMG! My professor is over there! Quick, don’t look and keep walking!

11 comments:

  1. Alas, perhaps I DO need to go get that job as a clerk at the indie bookstore now...

    But (and she lifts her scotch glass drunkingly as emphasis) there is SOME unfairness to your quiz:

    1. It's sciency biased: sendiment trap?
    2. It's anti-anti-morning people (my hair does look like shit in the morning)
    3. It's semester system biased: WHAT spring break? We don't get no stinkin' spring break (unless you count that week "off" aka prep time between winter quarter and spring quarter.

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  2. I got a 13.

    So THAT'S why I can't get a job! Thanks for clearing that up.

    Now that I'm done reading your blog, I guess I'll go back to being hip and soon-to-be-unemployed.

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  3. All true Annieem, but you are sooooo invited!

    (sorry non-sciency peeps, modify the answers as needed)

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  4. Isn't the Beowulf quoting in there for the non-sciency people? I'm just pleased that graphing variables on the napkin merited 3 points.

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  5. Dude, I'm domin'.

    But now I'm worried that my tweed is supposed to be all leather and tattered like Mad Max. Oh wait, that wasn't professordome, was it?

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  6. The trouble is of course that only the 0-5 and 20+ ranges are employable... (I got 13.)

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  7. I think we are seeing the difference between those who have allowed a bit too much of their lives to be hijacked by their "professor identity" and those who have not. Obviously, this is a recurring theme for me since I've been on sabbatical. I would like to reduce my score...

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  8. Damn, I'll trade scores and TIAACRAP accounts with you...both mine are low. :) jc

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  9. Ah, crap. I got 19. So I need Ink to co-author with me. I'll go draft the conditioner copy.

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  10. I'm a CC instructor and PhD student. So, yes, that's me checking the coats and leather satchels. I'll try not to spill my Mudslide on your tweed.

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  11. Well, fuck. I'm only an 11...joining up with Nap and Ink now...

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