Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge

Hey newish colleague. Ssssshhhhhh. Over here. I want to tell you something. The honeymoon is over. We’ve protected you from random service duties for as long as we could but some things are inevitable. The secret administrative agents who relentlessly seek out faculty cannot be stopped. They are lurking with their blackberries and clipboards, collecting contact information, waiting. Always waiting. When the moment is right they will pounce. They will ask you to be on various committees and to attend various functions. Sorry. Choose wisely. Here’s a few tips: The more money they spend on the invitation the better the food. If you haven’t seen the invitation, any event in which fancy alumni, politicians, and/or members of the Board of Trustees will be in attendance will have free booze and better food. Notice I did not say good food, but better food and booze. If you have to attend graduation, go to the mid-academic year ones. The big one at the end of the school year is fucking chaos. Do not attend any meeting being held at the library. Those conference rooms always smell mildly of piss, the chairs are uncomfortable, and the coffee shop makes terrible coffee. But a meeting in that ancient old building where the President’s office is located is worth going to. The chairs are plush, the tables are big old wooden affairs and the view of campus is great. Scholarship committee? Definite no.

Perhaps you are thinking “Hey, shouldn’t I base these decisions on the merits of each function and committee? On my willingness and ability to contribute to these functions and committees?” No. Don’t worry about that. They are all the same. You just need to say yes to a few things, just a few. But they are coming for you newish colleague. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

15 comments:

  1. I'm at this Negotiating an Ideal Faculty Position workshop right now and one of the things that has been emphasized repeatedly over the course of the last few days is that, esp as women, we must be very selective about our service and learn to say NO. You know, like Dr. NO.

    ReplyDelete
  2. THAT is totally priceless- and TRUE TRUE TRUE. Learn to say NO, learn to say- I'm not taking on any additional service responsibilities until I have secured external funding. ... or something like that. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow, Candid, I guess I didn't need to go to that workshop after all!

    @Dr. No- great post. Made me laugh. Especially this bit: Do not attend any meeting being held at the library. Those conference rooms always smell mildly of piss, the chairs are uncomfortable, and the coffee shop makes terrible coffee.

    SO true!

    Although, I tend to disagree re: the committees all being the same. That has NOT been my experience. I think it mostly depends on who is chair. Some committees can be wonderful, productive, life-affirming experiences. The same committee run by a different person can be drudgery.

    ReplyDelete
  4. newbies, observe Dr. No's strategy. walk softly (in tweed) and carry a big mug that says "uck off"! if someone asks you to be on a scholarship committee, put whatever shit is in your hands down, and do a herky. if that doesn't get you off a scholarship committee, you're fucked.
    jc

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am that newish colleague right now and I am afraid. It started with advising undergrads and being asked to be on the grad committee for the department. Then came helping out with a university-wide grant proposal and I don't know what is next, but this feels like an eerie calm before the storm....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yah, same here. The few committees I have been asked to be on aren't a big deal--for example, one operates solely by infrequent email contact. Luckily I have the birthing of an R01 and a living baby as my excuse for staying out of things for about another year.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am laughing at the description of the conference room in the library!

    And booze is KEY.

    ReplyDelete
  8. True story: I was elected chair of the scholarship committee because I missed the first meeting during my second year...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Where were you in my third year of full-time work?

    Still, all of this is good advice for me for when I return from sabbatical. Before sabbatical, I allowed myself to be pimped out as a service whore. No more.

    My new mantra: I am not a service whore.

    ReplyDelete
  10. GEW, we need some tshirts or buttons or something that say that. Preferably the kind that have a big red slash through them. Because those aren't used enough in protests.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was elected the chair of the Grievance Steering Committee my FIRST year by being drawn out of a hat. Then a junior-faculty-related grievance happened that I had to process, and they decided to change their policy so it won't work that way anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wise words indeed, Dr. No. Especially on the booze.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gee, in exchange for probable lifetime job security, you have to serve on a few committees and get fed only "better" food. Rocks would weep, if only they knew....

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous: Even if my job was located on a tropical island and all I had to do was play in the ocean, drink cocktails, spend obscene amounts of money, and read glowing tributes to myself all day everyday it would still be a JOB and I would still manage to complain about it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The flight over was uneventful, but pleasant. Some of the kids had never seen cum and came inclose.
    lesbian aunt and niece sex stories
    true male masturbation stories
    sex stories young
    xxx stories oral son mom
    xnxx stories my 14 inch cock
    The flight over was uneventful, but pleasant. Some of the kids had never seen cum and came inclose.

    ReplyDelete