Friday, February 13, 2009
Hello firstname.lastname@example.org I just received your email regarding our illustrious graduate program. I have a few suggestions for you, these can be implemented in the future because your application will surely be rejected from this University and all others. Let’s begin with your email address. Start a new account with an address that lacks all reference to recreational activities, or pack some buds into your application. Let’s move on to your GRE scores. I realize that GRE scores are not reliable indicators of success, but when 99% of people perform better than you, I have some concerns (the type of concerns that require extreme measures). I have to suggest that you retake the exam. But this time I want you to take the Primate Subject Test. You will have to travel to your nearest primate research facility, but it will be worth it. Unlike your regular GRE exam, for the Primate Test your scores will be evaluated in light of all fellow monkeys, apes, and prosimians. You should be able to score in the top 10%. Few primates pursue graduate studies, which will prove a real advantage for you. Think about it. With the exception of a few uppity tarsiers, ambitious monkeys, and unusually nerdy lorises, your only real competitors are the chimps and gorillas. You could kick the entire Primate Orders ass! OK, maybe not. But your GRE scores would look much more impressive. Plus, every time you get an answer correct (just touch the icon on the screen) you will be rewarded with a handful of M&M’s or an orange wedge! You probably have the munchies anyway, look into it dude. Now, if your GRE scores still don’t meet our minimum standard you are going to have to look into taking the Chordate Test.