Friday, February 13, 2009

GREeeeeaaaat!

Hello srfboy420@hotmail.com I just received your email regarding our illustrious graduate program. I have a few suggestions for you, these can be implemented in the future because your application will surely be rejected from this University and all others. Let’s begin with your email address. Start a new account with an address that lacks all reference to recreational activities, or pack some buds into your application. Let’s move on to your GRE scores. I realize that GRE scores are not reliable indicators of success, but when 99% of people perform better than you, I have some concerns (the type of concerns that require extreme measures). I have to suggest that you retake the exam. But this time I want you to take the Primate Subject Test. You will have to travel to your nearest primate research facility, but it will be worth it. Unlike your regular GRE exam, for the Primate Test your scores will be evaluated in light of all fellow monkeys, apes, and prosimians. You should be able to score in the top 10%. Few primates pursue graduate studies, which will prove a real advantage for you. Think about it. With the exception of a few uppity tarsiers, ambitious monkeys, and unusually nerdy lorises, your only real competitors are the chimps and gorillas. You could kick the entire Primate Orders ass! OK, maybe not. But your GRE scores would look much more impressive. Plus, every time you get an answer correct (just touch the icon on the screen) you will be rewarded with a handful of M&M’s or an orange wedge! You probably have the munchies anyway, look into it dude. Now, if your GRE scores still don’t meet our minimum standard you are going to have to look into taking the Chordate Test.

8 comments:

  1. Funny! I'm always surprised at applications that roll late, incomplete, smudged with God-Knows-What.

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  2. Ew, smudges. On a side note: I have just updated my fictional image of you "Ink"...you now have a tattoo (a cool one).

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  3. Another helpful hint to srfboy420 and his brothers and sisters is to actually respond to faculty who e-mail him.

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  4. Did srfboy420 include his actual name, or did he expect you to know that he is THE srfboy420, and therefore no given or legal name was necessary?

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  5. In situations like these, I like to suggest bubbling straight Cs down the page. I think it would improve srfboy420's score. However, I am concerned that the method might be undercut when he fails to recognize which letter "C" is.

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  6. Nice, Dr. No! I hope my tattoo is full of cool literary symbolism...

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