Monday, February 2, 2009
First, my sincerest apologies. Apparently my exams, and those of my colleagues, are causing a dramatic increase in the mortality rates of you members. After many years of observation, I can now establish that this trend is statistically significant. Please advise your members that the week prior to mid-term exams and final exams are extremely dangerous! Fatalities among your members increases by 234% (Fisher’s Exact Test, p << 0.001) during these time periods. In an effort to minimize the profoundly troubling effects of exam-taking on senior health, all Universities, Colleges, and other venues of higher education will now voluntarily provide your organization with at least 2 months prior warning of future exam dates. Together we can proactively prevent these needless deaths. We must also commit ourselves to understanding the causal linkage between major exams and grandparent mortality rates.