A Little Help?

I just can’t do it anymore. I cannot read another student paper. Why on earth did I assign these? I made a rookie mistake, graded the good ones first. Now I am left with a pile of dregs, the stack refuses to grow smaller…Can’t. Do. It. Dying inside. Anyone…? Anyone willing to grade a paper or two…? Anyone…? Bueller…?

My Dog: No bacon. No cheese. No hamburger inside. F
Professor Nice: Very creative treatment of the topic! I appreciate your efforts to infuse your essay with pop cultural references, your use of Wikipedia is particularly novel. Your writing remains a bit disorganized, but much improved from your previous essay! B
My Red Pen: The editorial comments required to transform your musings into something resembling comprehensible sentences has left me depleted. I have bled my precious juice all over your paper. I am left weak, anemic, and in desperate need of a transfusion. Why must you hurt me like this? F
Athletic Department Person: A
Professor Blunt: Not good, consider withdrawing from class. D
Service Whore: Would you allow me to use your assignment for part of a study being conducted by the “Learning Rubrics Committee”? I have attached a permission form. B
Leigh Kino: The proportions are fantastic, but let’s look inside…Hhm, Leslie look at these dovetails, and these cabriole legs…something’s just not right.
Leslie Kino: While a beautiful piece, it has clearly been cobbled together from previous writings. C
The Sham Wow! Guy: I rolled up a wet sweater in your paper, I tried drying off Olympic divers, I poured coke on my carpet and punched your paper into it. More Sham than Wow! C

Thanks everyone. Six papers left, any takers? Anyone…? Anyone…?

Lagniappe

Vending Machine Guy: Thanks. I make work for you. You see every week I am in some part responsible for the depleted number of Starbucks Mocha Frappuccinos in the machine. And every week, you fill it back up. Without you my productivity would be in the shitter. Thanks, you will be in the acknowledgements of my next pub.

Inter-Library Loan Personnel: You are very efficient and your efforts are much appreciated. Sometimes you send me things I request too fast, I honestly don’t even get around to reading them for months. But sometimes, I need that latest Plow Science paper like NOW. And you deliver, saving me the embarrassment of making some horribly egregious statement about the lack of plow advancements.

Anonymous Reviewer #3: Yes! I will look into that. Interesting point, much appreciated.

Department Office Assistant: I was really panicking about those two students who were working for me and weren’t getting their credit hours…I sent emails, made phone calls, etc…you managed to clear this up in like 3 minutes. Damn you are good. Thanks.

Office Door: Thank you for shutting.

Clever Post Title (Asshole et al. 2008: 632)

Are you fucking kidding me motherfucker? Great manuscript review Dr. Asshole. I am so pleased that you have granted my manuscript your stamp of approval. You have managed to ruin my brief moment of happiness when I saw the word “accepted” with your egocentric ramblings. I really appreciate that your primary point of concern regards my lack of citing YOU. Because, now that I think about it, I DID write that piece and I DID complete all that research for the purpose of highlighting your barely relevant sojourns into the topic. Motherfuck. I gave you a token reference, that’s really all I am willing to do. Did it ever occur to you that IF your publications said anything remotely useful I would have cited them? Did you want me to cite you along the lines of “This topic has received scant attention because various researchers are too lazy to seriously address the issue (e.g., Asshole 1989, 1992a, 1992b, 2006)” is that what you want? I am at the end of my rope here (Asshole & Shinola 2004). Look, I just dedicated this entire post to you (i.e., Asshole 2001: 4). Happy now?

Meeeeemories

Hello there my PhD student advisee! You look like absolute fucking hell. Is that peanut butter on your shirt? What happened to your hair? Or should I say what hasn’t happened to your hair (contact with shampoo or a brush I suspect)? I am picking up on a strong sense of fear, and a whiff of stale beer. Look sit down, relax, I am not going to hurt you. Yes, I am going to ask you THE QUESTION, that question all dissertators fear most in the world. But we’ll ease into things. I remember very well the pain this question will cause you. Will a walk down memory lane help? Let me assure you, I was essentially you once. Yep. I wore the same pair of shorts and tattered shirt damn near every day. The only days I remember not wearing this uniform were the days I didn’t even bother to get dressed. I lived on coffee and Johnny Walker. I was a hermit, as time progressed I lost all social skills, I had the same shifty eyes you do right now. My world consisted of a small room that was decorated in a style we can best explain as “library bomb” modern. Articles, books, and assorted papers were literally exploding onto every available surface. Any receptacles capable of holding my fluids of choice (coffee and my best friend Johnny) were littered throughout. There was a small window. Just outside this window you could find the items I had tossed, primarily my self-esteem, personal hygiene standards, ability to consume nourishing foods, and all awareness of the outside world. I understand, really I do. But, I have avoided asking you THE QUESTION for a few months now. As your advisor, I have to do it. You can understand that can’t you? So, brace yourself (and please crawl out from under my desk), here it goes: How is your dissertation coming along?

Pink Slip

This is the University Bookstore, yes? When did our school colors become pink and pink? It looks like our mascot has undergone a dramatic gender reassignment and went on a meth binge in here…with a bedazzler. Are we now targeting Miss America contestants for recruitment? Since when do I have to have our University name plastered across my ass to show some school spirit? I just want a t-shirt to wear to the game, not a thong, a rhinestone encrusted tank top, nor a cheerleader skirt. Based on these options, it is no wonder our teams suck— we are clearly a bunch of pussies.

Dean Dodging

I just successfully Dean dodged! It’s such a thrilling sport. I have failed miserably at Dean dodging before, but today I was in top form. My minutes of training have finally paid off. (Insert training montage here: picture me in sweats and a headband, then chasing chickens, cut to me chopping firewood, then a brief shot of me in 1980s-style Jazzercise gear, and finally me winning at Plinko) Never Dean dodged? Sure you have! Dean dodging can only be played off campus (on campus you can only play Dean evading, which has its own unique set of rules). I just had the opportunity to play a good round of Dean dodging in the grocery store. Our last match was also in the grocery store (I was ahead by 12 points, when he pulled a sneaky strategic play and got in the checkout line behind me, thus scoring a resounding victory). But this time, I won. I spotted him in produce, a difficult location for any Dean dodging match. With all those green leafies it’s like a fucking garden party in there, something about colorful vegetables and fruit inspires chit-chat, coupled with the lack of places to hide and the produce section is just all-round bad for dodging. I spotted him early and quickly made my way to paper products, successfully dodging any uncomfortable yam-or chive-centered awkward social exchange. Whew. I forced myself to examine the various trash bag options for as long as I could, trash bags being optimally located for detecting Dean movements along the Seafood, Dairy, Bakery corridor and providing a decent view of possible checkout lane entry. As the Dean made his bakery choice (pita bread, interesting, I had him pegged for a sourdough loaf) I stealthily made my way to canned goods. Sure, I walked out of the store with a lightbulb and a can of corn (not the dinner I was hoping for) but I WON. Oh yeah Dean. In your face!

Just Curious

Hello readers, thanks for stopping by. I assume you read blogs and ponder their authors the same way I do. I have concocted a cast of characters for all of you anonymous and pseudonymous poster’s and commenter’s. In my head you resemble TIAA-CREF world people, except a little edgier. Like if TIAA-CREF world had an open bar, more rocking music, and a shit ton more sarcasm. Fictitious? Of course, but fun to think about nonetheless. (I KNOW that last sentence is not complete, give me a fucking break Microsoft- your little green squiggly is not going to dictate my writing style! If I was writing for “work” I’d curb my comma addiction and attempt to use apostrophe’s’s’s’’s appropriately…great, now you are screaming the RED squiggly at me damnit). Now, where was I? Oh yes, one issue has come up that am I curious about. Some of you think I am a woman, some a man. Doesn’t really matter to me either way, but what clues are we all using to decide my gender? I find it perplexing that opinions are so varied. We all have our standard indications of gender, that list of attributes that “men write like…” and “women write like…” but I find it difficult to apply these stereotypical criteria to myself. So, without searching for obvious clues (we all do enough research at work after all) what do you think?

GREeeeeaaaat!

Hello srfboy420@hotmail.com I just received your email regarding our illustrious graduate program. I have a few suggestions for you, these can be implemented in the future because your application will surely be rejected from this University and all others. Let’s begin with your email address. Start a new account with an address that lacks all reference to recreational activities, or pack some buds into your application. Let’s move on to your GRE scores. I realize that GRE scores are not reliable indicators of success, but when 99% of people perform better than you, I have some concerns (the type of concerns that require extreme measures). I have to suggest that you retake the exam. But this time I want you to take the Primate Subject Test. You will have to travel to your nearest primate research facility, but it will be worth it. Unlike your regular GRE exam, for the Primate Test your scores will be evaluated in light of all fellow monkeys, apes, and prosimians. You should be able to score in the top 10%. Few primates pursue graduate studies, which will prove a real advantage for you. Think about it. With the exception of a few uppity tarsiers, ambitious monkeys, and unusually nerdy lorises, your only real competitors are the chimps and gorillas. You could kick the entire Primate Orders ass! OK, maybe not. But your GRE scores would look much more impressive. Plus, every time you get an answer correct (just touch the icon on the screen) you will be rewarded with a handful of M&M’s or an orange wedge! You probably have the munchies anyway, look into it dude. Now, if your GRE scores still don’t meet our minimum standard you are going to have to look into taking the Chordate Test.

NO, No you didn’t…

Am I reading this correctly? This notification from your committee, The Committee on Very Important University Matters, appears to be inviting me to a meeting. That makes sense to me. In fact, thanks for inviting me. I would indeed like to know what your committee has been up to. But was it your intent to imply that this meeting is a “pizza party”…seriously? Any mention of food is a surefire way to boost attendance, but your message seems to overly emphasize the pizza component. You even added a clipart pizza to the announcement. I would like to think that you are being funny, but I suspect that you are not. Will we also be going roller-skating later? Do I need to ask my parents to sign a permission slip to attend? Will there be juice too?!? Look, pizza is tasty. But a committee of your stature, discussing topics as important as they are, should really adopt a more serious tone. Ditch the pizza rhetoric. Now, for all of you attending my tenure meeting, there will be doughnuts! Yes, delicious doughnuts. And cocktails! Oh, and door prizes! Wait, party favors too!

Service Whores

Before you get your panties all up in a bunch, let me just extend a hearty “Thank You” to my colleagues who take on service responsibilities that I have zero interest in— you have saved me from countless meetings and tasks, leaving me with responsibilities that I can stomach (well, barely). I like to think we have formed an unspoken but reciprocal alliance. I’ll do what I can, you do what you can, and collectively we can spread the pain in a responsible manner. You, my sane colleagues, are not the subject of this post. For the distinct few who relish the opportunity to join any and every committee that exists, who completely abandon their teaching and research in favor of writing long meaningless documents and memos, who incessantly suggest that more random committees, advisory panels, and “groups” be created, you people are service whores. That’s right, service whores. You come in three distinct varieties: the Ambitious Whore, the Whore in Hiding, and the Crusader Whore. The Ambitious variety is gunning for an Associate Dean position. You really want to be the pimp, not the whore. Your motives are understandable, but the transparency of your actions is annoying. The Whore in Hiding has completely given up on teaching and research. For a multitude of reasons you have abandoned any hope of achieving success in either. You attempt to hide these shortcomings by filling your days with busywork. Your T&P evaluations will be filled with praise regarding your deep commitment to University service (we will all conveniently fail to mention that you started half of those committees and nothing tangible has resulted from any of them). You have fooled yourself into thinking that your whoring is just temporary (just a stopgap measure to pay the bills, you’ll stop as soon as the rent is paid, as soon as the car payment is made, etc… but you won’t). The Crusader Whore is elusive. To be honest, I have never met one. But I am willing to assume they exist. The Crusader has legitimate concerns and wants to provoke meaningful change, essentially the patron saint of university prostitution. Unfortunately, the Crusaders deeds will not be recognized until long after their death, while the remaining service whores will continue to drive us all batshit with their incessant unprotected servicing.

Me, Ronald Reagan & Bob Marley

We are all another year older, or another year dead. Coincidentally, it is also this person’s birthday. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. It’s true. I have to get back to my cocktail now.

The World at Large

DamnGoodTechnician tagged me. Since we are part of an elite and highly prestigious group (the Society for Blogs with Damn in their Name, or SBDN if you prefer) I must comply. One does not mess with the SBDN.

RULES:
a) Put your MP3 player, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle
b) For each question, press the next button to get your answer
c) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
d) Tag at least 5 people
e) Everyone tagged has to do the same thing
f) Have Fun!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
"Never Ending Math Equation" (Modest Mouse)

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Nothing to You" (Two Gallants)
shit, that’s harsh

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Footprints on My Ceiling" (Social Distortion)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Wake Up" (The Walkmen)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Into the Open" (Heartless Bastards)

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
"Brand of Skin" (Folk Implosion)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Take a Walk" (Neil Finn & Eddie Vedder)
shit, that’s even harsher

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Take What You Want" (Frank Black & The Catholics)
I wish, more like take what you want but provide us with a receipt and repayment schedule

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"All Apologies" (Nirvana)

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"Soul and Fire" (Sebadoh)
geez, that’s almost poetic

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Sure Shot" (Beastie Boys)
oh whew, it would suck to inadvertently slam my friend on this one

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Stop" (Black Rebel Motorcycle Club)

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Pepper" (Butthole Surfers)
salt is soooooo overrated

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Wicker Chair" (Kings of Leon)

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"I Can’t Wait" (Brassy)
appropriate if I was a virgin…

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Barnaby, Hardly Working" (Yo La Tengo)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Unless It’s Kicks" (Okkervil River)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Spit on a Stranger" (Pavement)
not really, not that I have spit on a stranger, but I would if necessary, and I would do so without fear, I mean if a stranger was a real asshole...

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Maps” (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)
yep, I have a map to the golden city of Eldorado, secrets out

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
"The Golden Coin" (Young Galaxy)
if that's a cocktail, yes, I would like one right now

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Benzie Box" (Danger Doom)

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"The World at Large" (Modest Mouse)

As supporters of the SBDN, I must tag the 5 individuals who follow this blog. So, consider yourself tagged Javier, Vellum, Eugenie, Brightest Buzzing Desire, and Ceirsearch.

Contrefonts

ATTN: AARP

First, my sincerest apologies. Apparently my exams, and those of my colleagues, are causing a dramatic increase in the mortality rates of you members. After many years of observation, I can now establish that this trend is statistically significant. Please advise your members that the week prior to mid-term exams and final exams are extremely dangerous! Fatalities among your members increases by 234% (Fisher’s Exact Test, p << 0.001) during these time periods. In an effort to minimize the profoundly troubling effects of exam-taking on senior health, all Universities, Colleges, and other venues of higher education will now voluntarily provide your organization with at least 2 months prior warning of future exam dates. Together we can proactively prevent these needless deaths. We must also commit ourselves to understanding the causal linkage between major exams and grandparent mortality rates.