Sunday, May 10, 2009

Choose Your Own Adventure!

I’m going to write two versions of this. If you want to read something happy, proceed to Page 1. If you want to read angry snark, go to Page 2.

Page 1
Hell yeah VACATION. (By selecting Page 1 you have chosen a path that has nothing to do with academic matters. If you would like me to rant about work, please select Page 2. Did I not make that clear?) I am going somewhere awesome. “Awesome” is a stupid word that has regrettably entered my vocabulary. But this time I mean it, awesome. It is very far from here, has palm trees, and long beaches with few people on them. Seafood. Drinks. Sunshine. To me, a vacation is not a vacation unless it involves scary turboprop planes that land on tiny airstrips. When, if the plane fails to land properly, you end up in the ocean. Listen, museums, architecture, mass transit systems, restaurants…they’re all good. But they do not constitute vacation. Vacation is all snorkeling, plants you’ve never seen before, shells, fruit, tan lines, and booze under an unfamiliar but starrified sky. That’s vacation.

Page 2
WHY WON’T THIS END? Fucking school, end already! I want (need) out of here. It’s like every time I try to leave I am trapped by some stupid task. (If you would like to know why I so desperately need this semester to end, beyond the usual end of semester insanity, please read Page 1). What else can I possibly sign for a student before I leave. Can I just autograph all their asses? Will that get them through my sabbatical? What additional shit can I possibly do? Yes, please! Ask me ALL the questions, ask for all the files, send me all the emails right now please! I love DESPERATELY wanting to just get this semester over with and being deluged by petty tasks. Really, it’s awesome. Great, the phone’s ringing. The phone stopped ringing. I think I broke it.

I’m outta here! Unless the Professor from Gilligan’s Island happens to be vacationing on the same island as me and can build me a computer and internet connection (with some coconuts and tropical vines of course, which we will use to read Acadamnit as opposed to seeking rescue) I’ll be back to type at you in a week or so.


  1. Have a damned good time, Dr. No!

    Sure you don't need someone to help apply the sunscreen? Pour the drinks? Carry the luggage?

  2. Don't worry... we'll watch your place again. Have a safe trip. bye. adios!

    [WHOO HOO! more free booze!]

  3. Have a MARVELLOUS time. We'll miss you but you definitely deserve a wonderful, peaceful, tranquil, fabulous time. ::waving a palm frond:: Good luck with all the ass-signing en route to the airport.

    ps: Looking forward to our souvenirs that say "Dr. No went to Awesomeland and All I Got Was This Cyber [choose one] Ashtray/T-Shirt/Shot Glass/Painted Shell"! ;)

  4. I have the same take on vacations - Have a great time!

  5. Venturing to Paradise Island?

  6. Reading your post makes me realize that I've never actually been on vacation.

    And getting out of Dodge immediately upon finishing your term? You are even smarter than I realized.

    I'm with Ink, waving a palm frond!

  7. Seafood + Drink + Sun + Tiny airstrips = Awesome! So does signing all of their asses.

    Have fun in somewhere far from the things of man!

  8. Ahhh!! I had completely forgotten about the Choose Your Own Adventure books. They were so odd!

  9. Something isn't right. Did I forget to bring something? Did I leave the stove on? Did I just lock my keys in the car? Wait! I know! I haven't had any Dr. No fixes this week. No wonder I'm all discombobulated. Sigh.

    Hope you're having fun, though! Lots and lots of it! We miss you!

  10. Just stopped by to water the plants, but I think maybe Ink already took care of it.

  11. I did. (And I didn't even take any Cheetos this time. Or good booze. Too bad we didn't show up at the same time because then we could have started another party!)