Friday, June 25, 2010

Mofo

Oh it’s on! Prepare to get served. You brought it, now I’m going to bring it, and you’re going to get served! OK. I don’t competitively dance so I can’t keep this lingo up, just know that I know what you are doing and I am prepared to win this battle. You think I don’t know what you did? That I don’t see the long-term implications? What the fuck mofo?

It was your choice. You started it. I could have started it but I didn’t, because I am a calculating motherfucker. But you just couldn’t wait. You couldn’t be patient and now I’m going to win. Why couldn’t you wait mofo? Are you that weak? You just couldn’t stand the length of the grass anymore? It was bugging you so bad you just had to go and mow? You just had to make that obvious mowed vs. unmowed divide in our shared strip of lawn? What the fuck? You think I didn’t notice? I have to mow the lawn now. You made it painfully obvious. You completely destroyed the unity between our yards. You took their peaceful coexistence and drew a line. A line in the grass. A divide. You made mowed and unmowed where there was once a happy expanse of grass.

You really want to play this game with me? Cause I’ll mow mofo. Oh yes, I will mow. I’m going to mow my side better! It’ll be even shorter mofo. I might even put nice diagonal strips in it! Take that! You like that? You want some more? I’m going to fertilize. And I’m going to find the optimal placement for my sprinkler; your lawn will no longer be privy to any additional water from my side. None. I could probably get my dog to start pissing over on your side too. Would you like that? Golf course greens keepers are going to be asking me for advice and I’ll probably start renting out my side of the lawn for photo shoots (so don’t pester all the hot models on my side). You brought this on yourself. All you had to do was wait a few more days. But no. So what if my other lawn neighbor is going to be pissed. You started it. Not me. You just had to be a mofo didn’t you?

15 comments:

  1. LOL this is what our neighbor does. He mows his lawn every damn day and drives my husband crazy.

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  2. What the fucking fuck are you fucking talking about? And why are you posting a picture of the edge of a fairway?

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  3. I say you just let your side grow and grow and grow, then mow a maze into it. You will have the cooler yard.

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  4. Arlenna: Every day? Fuuuuuck.

    Comrade: Stick your face in a cat and see if that clears things up.

    Clio: Maybe I could just let a 1 inch strip grow...each time they mow they'd then feel compelled to get that extra inch- by the end of the summer I could get them mowing my entire side.

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  5. Ha ha!

    We have neighbors on both sides who will actually mow the grass in the front of OUT house when they mow theirs.

    Then we have to return the favor and mow theirs next time.

    Then they mow ours again.

    And we feel indebted to mow theirs again.

    It's so freakin' annoying. When did this become a thing? We don't even have a chance to go all mofo.

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  6. Er...that should say OUR house. Not OUT house.

    We do NOT have an outhouse in front of our house.

    Repeat: NO OUTHOUSE at Ink's.

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  7. Two words: CROP CIRCLES.

    I double dog alien dare you.
    jc

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  8. Haha.

    Must be nice to have grass. We have dandelions.

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  9. JC, that's even better than a maze! Go for it, Dr. No!

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  10. Wait. All I can think about now is the Ink outhouse.

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  11. Which doesn't exist.

    Though if it did, I'd probably also try to have an old rusting car in the yard. You know, for the kids to play in... ;)

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  12. hey Clio,
    one of those towns you just drove by is my hometown! there's a memorial for women I hope you saw. :)
    jc

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  13. Gawd it's a good day. Dr. No rants hilariously. Ink reveals a secret outhouse that isn't so secret to anyone who wanders by her guilt-mowed yard. And jc reminds us that there ain't no crazy like bored-alien crazy.
    So will the lawn circle incorporate the outhouse, or what? What about mowing a path straight TO the outhouse from the joint-lawn strip that is now half Brazil and half Northern California...

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    ReplyDelete