Friday, June 4, 2010

What I Like About Coming Home

Sudoku Benders: I usually have my newspaper stopped but I often forget. I really do try and have it stopped and I really do honestly forget to stop it sometimes, but I also secretly like it when I come home to a pile of newspapers on my countertop. I guess that’s not much of a secret now, but it seems so silly. The newspapers filled with old news also contain enough puzzles to go on a Sudoku bender! For some reason Sudoku puzzles not in the newspaper just don’t satisfy me. I want newsprint. To sit down with a cup of coffee and plow through a few is the perfect “I just got home and need to relax” activity.

Home Coffee: Aaaaahhh home coffee… Coffee shop coffee is great. I like my afternoon coffee shop coffees. But morning coffee is a completely different experience. Morning coffee, the kind that is needed immediately after waking up, the kind of coffee made in your kitchen prior to even attempting any other activity, the kind that is sometimes brought in the shower with you, that is consumed naked, dressed, and in all matter of mental disrepair, is very different. It is never good away from home. It doesn’t matter what kind of coffee maker it is or what kind of coffee is used, wherever the hell you scrounge up that first cup of not-from-home-coffee it will not be good.

Plants: Everyone knows the shit you plant in the yard will not grow, make a flower, or produce any tangible signs of life until you leave. It’s Gardening 101 people.

GPS Peace: Shut the fuck up GPS! We both know I need you but I am not making a motherfucking U-turn and I am not getting on the freeway. Dude. Traffic here is outrageous and its necessary to drive like an asshole (mandatory actually). There will be no u-turns, I will cut-off the motherfucker in front of me (yeah you douchebag in the Porsche) and I will turn left when I’m damn well ready.


  1. Word to the GPS Motherfucker! I go off-road every fucking mile, which looks like a car off-roading like an ostrich through the grass on screen BECAUSE I AM ON THE GRASS DIPSHIT, and the voice yammers on about turning. You should see it try to recalculate, christ, it is gonna die a rubberworn death without a videogame checkered flag burial soon. I sing "here we go loop dee loo" while we wait for a bajillion satellites to find Waldo in a haystack.

    hey, I'm up for naked coffee! Goes great with the Fuck the Hoff cup. --->
    "the best part of waking up"

  2. Oh, welcome home, Dr. No! I've missed you and your naked, coffee-drinking, plant growing self!

  3. Don't forget how great it is to be in your own bed. Sometimes hotel beds are nice, but I really like the fact that my bed sheets are not triple bleached.

  4. So could you please install a camera in your vehicle? Because I want to see you arguing with your GPS. Kthxbye.

  5. I figure that is not quite a bit of a mystery now, but rather it appears to be so senseless. The daily papers loaded with old news likewise contain enough riddles to go on a Sudoku drinking spree! For reasons unknown Sudoku bewilders not in the daily paper simply don't fulfill me. I need newsprint. My name is NagaRaj I'm a car driver now I'm working kochi taxi service My opinion issort of espresso made in your kitchen preceding notwithstanding endeavoring whatever other action, the kind that is here and there got the shower with you, that is expended stripped, dressed, and in all matter of mental dilapidation, is altogether different.

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