Why Yes, I Speak Sunglassese!

The mile-long multilingual information sheet that accompanied my new sunglasses left out one critical translation. Sure, one can read this essential information in English, Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, French, Russian and 6 other languages that I cannot positively identify. But you can’t understand a damn thing unless you know Sunglassese. This is a pretty serious oversight and how they could have left out the most important translation of all is beyond me. Fortunately for all of you naked eyeballers out there I Iearned Sunglassese in my youth. In my early teenage years to be exact, the time of one’s life when you blow all your cash on a pair of Raybans. I was introduced to Sunglassese by a burning need to look cool and because I was stoned enough that sunglasses became a needed accessory. You know, because stoned high-schoolers don’t AT ALL look like stoners when wearing sunglasses all the motherfucking time, what was I thinking? Oh yeah! I wasn’t! Anyhoo, I’ve translated a few key passages for you.


English: Only --------- utilizes pure Plutonite lens material, a proprietary synthetic that exceeds the optical requirements of ANSI Z87.1 standards while inherently blocking 100% of all UVA, UVB, UVC, and harmful blue light up to 400nm.

Sunglassese: Dude. These are sunglasses. If you go outside when it’s sunny shit will look better. And FYI, that’s pretty much what sunglasses are, it’s their job.

English: --------- performance eyewear also takes advantage of XYZ Optics, a breakthrough that maintains precise clarity at all angles of vision and extends the range of optical correction to the periphery of dual-spherical eyewear lenses and single-lens sports shields.

Sunglassese: Dude. You’ll be able to see all normal. It just won’t be so damn bright out. Oh, and that applies to normal sunglasses (I hope that’s what you bought) or douchebag visor /wraparound style sunglasses that only come in neon colors, or single-lens sports shields if you prefer (if you bought that shit you should return it).

English: In most cases earsocks are replaceable and are sold separately.

Sunglassese: Dude. What? Earsocks? That’s funny. I guess that rubbery thing on the part by your ear is an earsock and it can be replaced, it probably costs like a million bucks though and are you really going to track down a replacement earsock? When that part breaks you’re screwed.