Monday, August 2, 2010

Playbook

Why is this so difficult? At times like this I am embarrassed to be an academic. Here we all are, again. We do this every year. We just need to come up with a class schedule. That’s it. We’ve done it before. But no. No. Instead of just getting this task over with everybody wants to forget a few things. Things that, considering that we all have PhDs, you’d think we could remember. So here’s a fucking list. Memorize it.

1. You cannot require students to take two specific courses and then schedule those two courses at the same fucking time. Really. It doesn’t work. We’ve been through this. Please refer to the minutes of the Class Scheduling Meetings (1985-2001, 2003-2009).

2. You cannot teach “Big Fun Intro Class We Teach to Boost Our Numbers” at 6:00 in the fucking AM. I’m pretty sure it’s not even possible to schedule a class that early. Pick a nice hangover accommodating hour of the day.

3. Stick to the fucking University schedule. You cannot start and end a class anytime you want. Have you not noticed that all classes follow a certain schedule? ALL classes?!? You cannot just declare your class to meet on Mondays and Thursdays at 4:38. That makes no sense.

4. Now is not the time to question the utility of required courses. Don’t question the graduate or undergraduate requirements. Don’t question the major or non-major requirements. Nobody fucking cares about that right now. The stupid course has to be taught so somebody needs to buck up and teach it. There will be plenty of time to discuss its lameness at other meetings. Remember back in 2002 when that class wasn’t taught and shit was all fucked up for years?

5. Get the necessary Class-Poaching Permits* prior to the meeting. Class-Poaching (aka the teaching of a class widely recognized as Dr. So-and-so’s) is permissible with required permits. Do not just try to up and steal a class from a colleague. This meeting is a big enough clusterfuck already. Let’s not add your personal differences into the mix.

*Class-Poaching Permits, depending on the season and species of class being poached, are available in the Department. Fees may vary. Minimum fee involves a simple conversation, maximum fees may include the costs of ammunition, the formation of posses, and ninja suits.

31 comments:

  1. "You cannot teach “Big Fun Intro Class We Teach to Boost Our Numbers” at 6:00 in the fucking AM."

    -In my case, it's "You cannot teach “Big Fun Intro Class We Teach to Boost Our Numbers” in a tiny little classroom in the basement that will barely have space for 15 people, let alone 80, as I requested 5 months ago."

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  2. Love it! Your posts always remind me why I wasn't sure it was worth killing myself to try to become a professor.

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  3. Well, it has to be said that the struggles around course scheduling come after 4 months of uninterrupted free time, which is something no other profession allows. So, becoming a professor was definitely worth it. :-)

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  4. Thank fucken god there's a "double-stitched extra reinforcement" on the "stress seam" keeping the dude's MASSIVE FUCKEN SCHLONG from bursting out of those fucken shorts.

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  5. 6. You cannot change the fucking textbook. The bookstore already put the order in for 100 copies of the "17th Edition of Clusterfuck Analysis", so it is too late to switch it to "Behavioral Analyses of Clusterfucks." The bookstore alo bought back 65 copies of the 16th Edition from last year's class which is acceptable for the current class. And don't you even think about making a bazillion copies of the "Behavioral Analyses of Clusterfucks" chapters to hand out as take-home/extra reading. You'll break the fucking copier. Again.

    CPP - LOL. It's "western style" and "two-snap" closure! *snap snap*
    jc

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  6. Yessssssssssssssssssss!

    (Methinks it's time for more Scotchsicles!)

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  7. I'm embarrassed to be an academic at nearly every department, committee, or faculty meeting. Good lord.

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  8. I had to come back today just to get another gander at that picture! LOL!

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  9. I think I need to cut, paste, and circulate your list before our first meeting next Friday.

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  10. What a fun, witty, and true post! Thanks for making me laugh today!

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  11. I am tempted to post this on the bulletin board in my dept.

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  12. Clarissa, surely you jest. Who in academia gets ANY uninterrupted free time, let alone four months worth?!

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  13. Oh my god I'm crying with laughter. I think I have found a new home with this blog. Great stuff!

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  14. HI

    Great information and I think there will be plenty of time to discuss its lameness at other meetings.

    Alan Smith….
    Maths private tutor

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  15. fun, witty, and true post! Thanks for making me laugh today!

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