* Note: Side effects of Instructia include dry mouth, trouble swallowing, violent “caged animal” like reactions to faculty meetings, and blurry vision. In rare cases, Instructia may cause incontinence, spontaneous volunteering to serve on university-wide committees, and heart disease. Instructia is not appropriate for those who are preggers, nursing, or overzealous faculty members in the College of Education.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Are you suffering from lecture fatigue? Instructia is a once daily tablet that alleviates the common symptoms of professorial malaise*. Lecture fatigue strikes 1 in 3 college educators. Recently detected strains of Lecturis extremis are shown to be both hypervirulant and resistant to common treatments. Binge drinking, all night bong-pulling, voodoo rituals, and extremely harsh grading criteria no longer provide effective treatment. Infected individuals are prone to the following: spontaneous paralysis preventing movement from one’s office to one’s classroom (full movement is usually regained after 50 minutes on MWF and 75 minutes on T/R; in rare instances continuous paralysis of 3 hours or more can occur when graduate seminars are involved); paranoid emailing tendencies (the “email terrors” generally emerge 24 hours prior to exams delivered in large introductory classes); a breakdown of logical text/image pairings in Powerpoint presentations (this symptom varies by individual, but a typical example would include pairing a bulleted and temporally arranged list of important discoveries with a photo of your favorite band simply because your immune system will not allow you to spend the additional 20 minutes needed to track down that woodcut of Sir Whats His Face in his medieval “lab”). Over 90% of patients taking Instructia report significant improvement after two doses, with the majority of sufferers making a full recovery by Spring Break. Ask your doctor (or, just ask yourself) if Instructia is right for you.