Wednesday, November 4, 2009


I see you washed your hands, grabbed a fork, and are now extracting an olive. You seem rather germ conscious. I can respect that. But should I mention that I’ve had my fingers all up in that jar? That I just swish my fingers around in there, seize an olive, pop it in my mouth and go directly back in for more? That this has happened on numerous occasions? No. I don’t think I’ll bring that up. The vodka will kill my cooties right? Or have my cooties built up a resistance to vodka?

Oh, OK, sorry. Sorry doggie but I’m not supposed to give you people food. Here’s some scratches instead. Shit. The way you were conning me out of those last few bites earlier made it seem like you had done this before, lots of times. You worked me like a pro. Did I read you wrong? You don’t have some gastrointestinal problem do you? Those bites they didn’t see me give you earlier aren’t going to cause any problems are they? Answer with your eyes. OK. Got it. Let’s just keep those nibbles between you and me eh? No need to act like I’m your new best friend. Just keep it cool doggie. Keep it cool.

Just right on the corner? Yes, I think I might know the house, maybe, but the area is only vaguely familiar to me. It’s not like I’ve walked right by your house a hundred times or anything. There is no reason to assume that I consider your house the “crazy house” or anything, or that I am baffled by your yard and can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell all that crap is on your porch. Nope. It’s not like that at all. I’m just going to nod and smile.


  1. You got invited to the crazy house? I am so jealous. I would give anything to see the insides of my neighborhood's crazy house. It started out totally normal, then BAM, castle tower in the corner, inside of the wall was painted pink, and a suction cup cross was stuck in the tower window.

  2. Nod and smile is always the best approach. Now: were you doing all of these things simultaneously? Because that is one heck of a multitasking coup.

  3. I thought what Ink thought...are you doing all of that at the same time??

    And yes, vodka kills all germs. Yes.

  4. Over a 3 day period of FUN, sounds like. :)

  5. Oooh, I remember one "crazy house" from many years ago: a horror movie Tudor house literally behind an Adams Family/The Munsters type gate. There was a yard filled with old, gnarly trees.

    It was quite the crazy house.

    And the people who lived there were a bit wacko, too;-)

    Alas, when I was finally invited in, the house was just a normal, run down, old house. No cereal boxes lined up against the walls, no trash bags all over.

    BUT, there were at least 5 cats!

  6. You forgot to mention that you stuck your fingers in the olive jar AFTER feeding the dog tidbits right outta the same hand... bwaaahahahaha!

  7. I think pickle and olive juice are antibacterial. Pretty sure. Or bacteria-preserving, at least. Weren't you planning to put up bacteria for next summer?