Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You Rang?

Oooh look at me! I’ve been lured out of my sabBATical cave by a font crisis. Yes, crisis.

A brief aside: First, yes, I can have an aside after only 3 sentences (more like 2 sentences but whatever). Second, my beloved laptop is ill, very ill. So dire is its health that I had to leave it with an IT dude. He is probably watching porn, playing video games, or chatting with his weirdo role-playing community RIGHT NOW on MY laptop. I on the other hand am stuck on an unfamiliar computer. It feels like wearing rented bowling shoes without socks. Necessary, but icky. For all the moments when proper equipment is necessary, a font rant is undoubtedly one of them. One must have their fonts handy, and one MUST have their previous rants handy because fontrific posts require a little digital maneuvering for uploading to Blogger. Blogger doesn’t provide enough fonts to meet my fonting needs, and if you don’t make your text the right size? Well, that really pisses Blogger off. And yet the special fontphone rang in my sabBATical cave. It was AnnieEm on the line. So duty calls and I must forge on.

If you haven’t heard, Ikea changed their font. That’s interesting. Seriously. Let’s take a look at the switch.

The switch is from Futura to Verdana. Ikea, like most corporations, tweaked standard Futura and Verdana but it’s essentially the same fonts as on your computer (YOUR computer not MY computer- my computer is either stuck in computer ICU or is being forced to display klingon porn). Why has Ikea done this? Again, let’s examine.

Cash is the answer. Verdana is cheap and Microsoft invented, it was designed to be read on a computer screen. Futura is elegant and makes your cheap chair feel a little spiffier. Damnit Ikea! Why? I am, or was, comfortably ensconced in my sabBATical cave. It’s not like you changed fonts to something cooler… I am not anti-font change but you went for something sterile and common. It would be like, crap, like what would that be like? Like if on a box of Frosted Flakes Tony said “They’re Great!” in motherfucking Times New Roman. Everyone knows tigers don’t talk that way (except highly educated snooty tigers and Tony don’t run like that). It would just be wrong. It doesn’t evoke the right sentiment. Chairs, frosted flakes, prescription drugs, strange hair doodads that make tumors appear in your “rocked” pony, it’s all the same. We WILL be bombarded with logos and packaging. At the very least I expect a little creative effort. Switching to Verdana is just sad. There is a petition to protest this change.


  1. Petition: signed by Annie Em.

    Your laptop: sending it good mojo vibes.

    Your explication of the font crisis, with the actual font changes illustrated: fabulous.

    Your blog posting, which lured you out from deep inside the sabBATical cave: priceless.

    You rock, Dr. No. Is the position of Robin available?

  2. Wow, I never would have known if you hadn't mentioned this. I just took a look at my Ikea newsletter (which I deleted without opening because I had pay tuition and rent in the same week and am thus in the red) and ... blech. It DOES look cheap. And kinda ugly. Unprofessional even. Thanks for bringing this to my attention!

  3. oy vey. they are even airbrushing the fonts to make them thinner. next the public option will get shitcanned.

    sadly yes, the computer geek is joyriding your hardware. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

  4. I'm just sitting here like the Chesire Cat, grinning, because you posted, woohoo! And you did so even without your trusty laptop and even during your sabBATical MISSON.

    Nice take on the Ikea sitch. For what it's worth, I loathe Verdana the way you loathe Comic Sans. With the intensity of a thousand suns. (Though, as you know, I still kind of groove on Papyrus. Only in secret. Never in a Powerpoint. And I don't use it on handouts anymore, after you all mocked it here. Sigh.)

    And if Anne Em gets to be Robin, can I be Batgirl?

  5. Ah shucks, thanks AnnieEm. The position of Robin and Batgirl are available...while I am an Equal Opportunity Employer, founding members of the Herky Club do earn special treatment.

    X-ine: once you notice it it's so obvious huh?

    JC: Ew, I know...if my laptop ever returns I'll have to spray some of that bowling shoe junk all over it...

  6. Ugh...woozy from reading the Verdana. I'm with Ink. I loathe Verdana. i am decidely against Ink on her secret affection for Papyrus. But I won't hold it against her.
    Futura at least slides past the eyes without offense. Verdana gives me vertigo. Especially in fluorescent light, Ikea.
    Laughing my entire lower half off at the intrapost juxtaposition of klingon porn and Frosted Flakes in Times New Roman. If that makes me wrong I don't want to be right.

  7. Great rant, Dr. No. I mean, really? The old font is indicative of the IKEA style--sleek and smooth without being too industrial. The new font says, "You might as well just keep the bookshelves and cabinets that you already have."