Let’s play a game shall we? The game will be called How I Know I’m Old. I thought this game existed already. I thought I knew how old I was. I know about time. I understand, in a practical sense, how time passes and its effects. I am aware of my age. I know my birthday. I don’t remember all my birthdays that well…especially the really early ones and the ones that have occurred since I became aware of celebratory birthday substances. Nonetheless, I know my age. But I have only recently begun to realize that I am old. Old. I saw vacation pictures. Not childhood vacation pictures— those just make me feel like a grownup, not old per se, but I saw old adulthood vacation pictures. Shit. I look young. Fuck. I am fucking oooooold. This has me looking for other signs that I am old. Why? Did you read my previous post? I don’t want to be that person. I need to stay on top of this me getting old thing. I do not want to have some ridiculous mid-life crisis. Well…does a sport car always come with it? Can I just have the car part of the typical mid-life crisis?Fuck. Sometimes new fangled computer things come up that I don’t know how to use. Typical old person occurrence. (Shit, I also used the term “new fangled”. How old person is that?) I never get mistaken for a grad student anymore. I rarely get carded. My dog is old. I look like a baby in those vacation pictures. What else is showing my age? Let’s play.
Books
I have some books that were new and fancy when I was a student. I spent a fortune on them. Now second editions and third editions are out on some. Crap.
Drinks
Well, I still love cheap beer. That’s good. But, I’ve fallen prey of enjoying old people drinks. Hard simple drinks that tasted like lighter fluid when I was young, like scotch. Damn, a scotch sounds good.
Glasses
I went to pour myself a drink and realized I have old people glasses. Young people have a hodge podge of assorted beverage containers. I have like sets of glasses, some for this, some for that…old people drinking vessels. You know, like goatskins and goblets. (Sorry my scotch bottle has some kind of vague old timey dude on it)
I think I better stop now. This could get depressing. At least I’ve read the books now, right? I can order a drink with authority, I quality I find very respectable…and if you wanted a drink I probably have the right glass to put it in (as long as you don’t want a scotch, I drank it all). Crap. But you know those old vacation pictures? They were real pictures, not digital. That’s’ old. Damn.
It's like my mama always said, you ain't old until you're on your front porch calling people "addlepates" and trying to impale teenagers with a cane.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Yesterday the old lady who wanders around looking for people to talk with (at) stumbled upon my office. I got to hear half an hour about how people in Chicago help people up when they get hit by cars, and how much bagels cost when she was young. I think the real indication of age is nostalgic pricing. Are you outraged by the cost of common foods? Does this make today's society inferior? Do you lack a basic understanding of inflation? If yes, you may be genuinely ancient.
ReplyDeleteYeah, if anything cost a nickle when you were young and you find it important to relay that information to people who know pay over a dollar for that same item, you may in fact be old.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Your dog is old. Shit, 1 human year = 7 dog years! The doggy earth and sun are at warp speed. Dogs are old one human minute after they learn to piss on the hydrant.
ReplyDeleteJust go get yourself some Mike's Hard Lemonade, throw on the acidwashed jeanshorts, tie dye fringe sleeves shirt, and jelly shoes, stick the Springsteen tape in the boombox, and run through the sprinklers in your yard. If you fall and bust your hip, well, can't help you there. jc
Dude, I don't care what age you are, but I feel sorry for you if you're drinking out of goatskin. On another note, I have all sorts of appropriate drinking glasses (well, save margarita glasses), and I am totally not old. Not all of these "signs" are bad.
ReplyDeleteLast time I saw a goatskin thingie, it was on a seriously drunk dude at The Who concert, who, with every sway, pressed on his goatskin with his armpit and sprayed wine all over those of us standing behind him. Until it ran out. True story.
ReplyDeleteAnd fear not, dear Dr. No. There are cool things about being old. Like not caring so much about stupid crap that obsessed us when we were young. And being able to buy drinks whenever we want (remember all the plotting and scheming of yesteryear?). And not freaking out about getting that first wrinkle (because that's already happened).
Oh crap, I said yesteryear. Yeah, I'm old, too.
Ok, saw the subheading "glasses" and assumed you were going on a rant about the need for reading glasses.
ReplyDeleteSince you did NOT, I'm assuming you do not need them yet, dear Dr. No, and thus, you are NOT YET OLD.
Some of this might indeed be age, but you can do as I do and claim that really it's just having had more time to acquire refinement. (Though then you may have to go up a few grades on the beer.)
ReplyDeleteI felt like a crusty at the music festival I went to when I remarked how 'the kids these days are dressing far too trendily and that they should be in baggy t-shirts and shorts until they were at least half way through puberty'.
ReplyDeleteBut, essentially, I agree with Panderbear and annieem.
And if you start behaving like that tool from your previous post, everyone will stop reading your blog. ; )
I can tell I'm old because I like to talk about all of the technology we didn't have when I was young. When I was young, we actually had to SIT BY THE PHONE at home if we were waiting for a call. No cell phones. We didn't have an answering machine. We didn't have a VCR. Galaga and Pleiades were the apex video games (still are IMHO).
ReplyDeleteAlso, my students, on their teacher evaluations of me, used to say things like "She's hard, but good." "She's smart." "She can relate to us because she's close to our age."
Now they say, "She a nice lady."
Bah. I think it's time still things up so at least they say, "She's kind of a crazy lady."
Ya know what made me feel really old recently?
ReplyDeleteDiscovering that people born in 1991 are now old enough to buy cigarettes, buy lottery tickets, and vote.
Having trouble with this new fangled typewriter, can't get paper in, can't read small type, where is that darn librarian? And where is my large type Readers Digest? Darnit.
ReplyDeleteI think I saw the large type Readers Digest by the Metamucil...let me just use The Clapper to brighten things up in here so you can find it.
ReplyDeleteBetter now?
I'm out of Geritol.
ReplyDeleteAnd those kids need to turn down that devil music and get the hell outta my yard.
When's the bingo game?
ReplyDeleteLOL. I want to end up in the same nursing home as you guys so we can just sit around and laugh.
ReplyDeleteAge comes in four stages: 1) older than the cop; 2) older than your doctor; 3) older than the President; 4) Older than the Pope.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding steady at Stage 2. Thank you, Barack, for not being born a month later.