Thursday, June 11, 2009

Criminal Intent

After being compared to a petty criminal, it got me thinking about all the crimes I would like to commit. If ever land myself in jail, it is likely due to one of the following:

Larceny: I found an odd item stashed away in a summer rental house…I really wanted to steal it. It was puuurty and worth some cash. I wish I had. Did I mention how very purty it was? And how it appeared to be wholly unappreciated? That it would have fit in my luggage? I didn’t take it, stupid ethics.

Looting: Hell yes. I have never experienced a riot. However, if I found myself in a large-scale urban riot I will be heading directly to the nearest lighting store and I am smashing the light fixtures into bits. I love the idea of breaking all that glass.

Drugs: A nice little garden would be good. You know, for making rope and such.

Mischief: There is this big red knob…it’s in the stairwell of my building. Every time I walk by it, it screams “turn me, turn me all the way and run!” Oooh I want to turn it.

White Collar: What exactly is keeping me from selling cheap vegetables purchased at Safeway at the local Farmer’s Market for twice the price? All I have to do is remove some stickers, sprinkle a little dirt on top and stick them in some kind of pastoral looking holder (e.g. bushel basket, old milk crate, apple box, etc…). Oh yeah, the ethics thing again.

Kidnapping: Look Isaac Brock, it’s not my fault I have no idea how to reach you. If I could call, email, or text you, I would. But you know, you haven’t given me that option. So if you are ever anywhere near my car, you are getting in and coming home with me. We’re just going to hang out (geez, I’m not a rapist). I’ll make you dinner and blast your music and you just have to hang out for a few hours. That’s all. It won’t even seem like kidnapping…no need to call the cops or anything. Just relax. Can I interest you in a drink?

Defamation: I fucking hate that asshole on ESPN who always holds a highlighter in his hand that matches his fucking tie. Terrible.

Disrupting the Peace: No. Pepsi is not alright. I want a COKE. Why would I order a COKE if I wanted a Pepsi? I am just going to sit here and loudly complain until the international stalemate between Coke and Pepsi is resolved and both become universal restaurant options. Go to Camp David if need be, I want a fucking Coke.

Anyone else? I’m not sure about blog meme etiquette (i.e. does it exist? Can I just make one up?), but it’s rather fun to think about, so if any of you harbor secret criminal intentions consider yourself tagged with the “Crime Spree” meme. (It probably already exists in some form or another, but this one requires herkies and/or fist bumps for proper completion.)

20 comments:

  1. Oooooooohhh! I'm totally going to do this meme, but I need to think about it a bit first. Will let you know when it's up.

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  2. Oh, wow, would you please commence the disrupting of the peace right now? I don't want one more Is-Pepsi-Ok conversation. Because it's not. Not by a long shot.

    This is a fun meme! Will ponder.

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  3. MEME ATTACK! Ink's got one going too, we are all just gonna have to buckle down and get answering.

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  5. A variant on this theme is - what type of a haul would you have to get in order to actually break the law? It is pretty obvious that robbing a corner store is just stupid, since the odds of getting caught versus the payoff is not worth it. I guess it is like betting - multiply the odds by the payout and you get the investment that makes sense. Would you rob a place for $100,000? How about $1,000,000? If the odds of getting caught were microscopic, but still existed, would you do it?

    Considering that I went out of my way to return an iPod to a student who wasn't even in my class, when I could have owned it with no question asked, I am not really one to talk to about this sort of thing. My wife thinks that I am a goodie-to-shoes or whatever.

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  6. Walking on grass is a crime here in Oxford (punishable by some grey-haired sod on a lawnmower driving after you, yelling all sorts of angry). I like to think I am pretty crazy walking on small sections of green every day. Will have to think about my more wild, deep-seated impulses over the day.

    Dr No., your recent posts have inspired one of my own. Spreading the joy to Australia and the UK.

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  7. I'm going to have to think about this...

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  8. I, too, would love to have Isaac Brock for dinner and drinks. And back in about 1997 when I first started to listen to MM at the age of seventeen, I actually went to some silly lengths to try and obtain the privilege of meeting him (I did get to meet Eric Judy). Anyway,we might not get to chill with Mr. Brock in person, but we can vicariously experience dining with him through an article on his cooking in The Believer published in April 2006. It is archived at The Believer site if you are interested.

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  9. After spending an adult lifetime being a rule/policy enforcer of some sort I LOVE the idea of a crime spree. "Director of Nursing Wanted Following A Wild Crime Rampage"...delicious. As with all the above comments - a little thought is required.

    PS
    OMG, I so want you to turn that damned door knob!

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  10. Mayhem: I want to leave the cap off every damn chemical in the lab, throw my chocolate wrappers on the keyboards, explode Mountain Dews in the freezers, toss newspapers on the floor, stack empty boxes up to the stratosphere, play endless hockey games with ice blocks and not clean up the mess, and swing on the shower station handle like I'm Tarzan. jc

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  11. I keep trying to post my list, but it gets longer and longer everytime I think I'm done.

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  12. Miss Ramona: ...maybe we can still make it happen?!?

    WR: I'll be looking forward to that headline.

    JC: That's the spirit of Jesus I l've been looking for.

    Clio: Yeah, I keep thinking of crimes to add too. Want to help us kidnap Isaac Brock?

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  13. I have heard that Isaac Brock is a real jerk on many levels. I am up for helping if I get to belt him one to "convince" him to come along with you.

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  14. OK Panderbear, I could use some help acquiring "Assault" charges.

    Jerk? Damn.

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  15. I have no strong opinions about Isaac Brock (heck, I had to look him up), but I'm all in on the kidnapping, just for the fun of it. I could come up with a whole list of people to kidnap for various and sundry reason, mostly just to do it.

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  16. Oooh, that'd be fun. Compile a list and I'll plot a course (let's wear Ninja attire too).

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  17. "Moi, il suffit qu'on me contrarie pour transformer une vague envie en besoin vital."
    -- Cavanna

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  18. You have a nice little garden, the next thing you know you're seeking addiction treatment for your "rope" habit.

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  19. Yeah, next thing you know I'm spending all day every day tying knots...

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