Thursday, December 25, 2008

Is That You Jean Teasdale?

Yes you girl in the third row over there on the left. Is that some kind of snowman on your shirt? You, the one with stringy hair, rapidly settling into a future lifestyle involving a menagerie of holiday-themed sweaters, a Family Circle magazine subscription, and cankles. How can you be such a stereotype at such a young age? I look at you and I see your future. It is not good. There is a molded concrete “basket” in your yard with ridiculously fake flowers in it (accompanied by a series of “flags” for various seasons), you have a blanket on your couch with a giant eagle on it (purchased from a parked van situated at a prominent intersection of major roads), you collect figurines of some sort, and most egregious of all, your emails end with an inspirational quote…please, don’t make me elaborate any further. It is not too late. You can still become an interesting human. Please, I encourage you to ditch my class today. Grab your wheeled luggage bag (why do you need that by the way? Do you catch a flight to campus every morning?), abandon that stupid purple pen you like to use, and head directly to the nearest bar. Wait, make a quick stop at home first. Hop in the shower and wash your hair (is that Mickey Mouse on your shower curtain? Ugh, we’ll deal with that later)— now get dressed, jeans will be just fine, but do you have a shirt that lacks “embellishments”? Note, no air travel was involved…again, the whole wheelie bag thing is really mystifying me. OK, now get yourself to the bar. Look, I am not trying to turn you into an alcoholic or anything, but you need to get out of this comfort zone of yours. Have some college experiences. Go ahead. Order a drink, flirt with some bar guys, order a couple more drinks. Next week we’ll work on getting you stoned, and then getting you laid. Not at the same time, you are not ready for that yet, but I have big plans for you Jean. I take my job as an educator very seriously.

4 comments:

  1. I don't get the wheelie bag thing either. It seems so pretentious, like "Excuse me, I'm important. Places to go, things to do that are all more important than this. And no, I don't care about all the noise I make as I walk down the hall 15 minutes late for class."

    Fuck you, get a backpack.

    I, for one, showed up to class with nothing but a 5 subject notebook in hand and my purse.

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  2. You've got a vicious streak; too bad you're not one of those people who are actually funny when they get mean.

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