Friday, December 19, 2008

Dude Who Never Comes To Class

Who are you? Every time I enter a test, assignment, or quiz grade there you are, a slowly filling row of zeros. Why have you not withdrawn? Are you the embodiment of the recurring dream we’ve all had? The one where you completely forget about a class for the entire semester and then somehow realize your horrendous mistake two minutes before the final exam? And you go to the test and have no idea how to answer any of the questions and wake up absolutely panic-stricken. Are you living that dream? If so, that really sucks dude. Maybe being a student is just your cover. Perhaps you actually have some highly secretive and thrilling spy career. More likely, you have opted to forgo class attendance in favor of something else, like drinking beer with your buddies. Trust me, if this is the case, it will NOT seem cool a couple of years from now. It would take all of two minutes to fill out the class withdrawal form, you can do it online. Really, just enter a few pieces of info and you can go back to looking at internet porn, playing fantasy sports, or whatever, and I can put a stop to the relentless chain of 0s accumulating behind your name. Alternatively, if you are nightmare-dream-student, don’t forget to bring a blue book— make that 5 blue books (there will be a shit ton of essays and some very long math equations and I’ll want to see your work), and don’t forget to bring your final project (a handmade musical instrument), oh, and I’ll expect your essays to include figures and citations. OK then, I’ll see you “dude who never comes to class” at the final exam next week, Room 380 at 10:15…or is it at 6AM in that secret faraway building? Good luck, don’t be late.


  1. This is hilarious, but save a little corner of pity in your heart for Dude Who Never Comes to Class, for if he does come to class, a relative will have died, thereby preventing him from coming to class all semester. Also be sure to have three or four hefty extra-credit assignments on hand, for Dude Who Never Comes to Class will ask you if he can possibly turn in all his work late and also do some extra credit projects, for he really, really needs this class to graduate and you are the only thing standing between him and a glorious career.

  2. In my 9am class, this Dude is also affectionately known as "High Guy." He sits in the back row and I can smell pot on him all the way from the lectern. Ah, to be young and stoned again...

  3. Yeah, I know "High Guy" too- young and stoned, those were the days...