Friday, January 29, 2010

Let's Not

You may be thinking “hey, where the fuck have you been?” Damn. That’s not very polite. Why not open with a cheery “how the fuck have you been?” Good is the answer, but then, very angry became the answer. What am I so mad at? Lettuce. That’s right, salad, the crunchy addition to a sandwich, seafood underlayment, wrapper of spicy chicken concoctions, that staple of produce, plain old fucking lettuce. As angry at lettuce as I am, I believe I must ask myself “why is lettuce so mad at me?” Why lettuce? Why did you make me vomit my entire fucking midsection out? In a hotel bathroom, sink (and tub now that I think about it) of all places? Why lettuce? Why do you hate me? Why?

That apple fritter you forced out of my mouth was TASTY (as it went down, not so much in reverse). But even if you hate me, have some respect for other foods! That fritter was your colleague, show some damn collegiality lettuce! Sure, that fritter worked in the Bakery and you work in Produce, but you both work in the Outer Grocery Regions. That should unite you. But you had to get all uppity didn’t you lettuce? Well, on behalf of that tasty fritter: Fuck you lettuce.

10 comments:

  1. Wow, that's some ax! OFF WITH ITS HEAD!!! (get it, a head of lettuce... I know, I'm totes the shit).

    Glad you're back:)
    jc

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sure it wasn't the salad dressing? Lettuce only seems dangerous when it's got Ecoli. Did you get Ecoli? Damn. What a way to un-hibernate.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Outer Grocery Regions? Brill!

    So sorry about the hurlfest. But welcome back...

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Girlfriend puked her guts out because of bad lettuce not too long ago. I feel for you, I really do.

    Hopefully it passed quickly?

    ReplyDelete
  5. The sinister plot may go deeper than you think. The lettuce may have been the innocent dupe of some produce section employee.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hate to say it while you're still wallowing in filth, but at least it was just lettuce. It doesn't have a taste that will now turn you off of a food group for the next year. If it were bad shellfish you would have a long road to mental recovery ahead and avoid seafood sections of stores for the next 6 months. Trust me. I don't think you will wheel your cart halfway around the bakery to avoid the produce section the next time you are in the grocery store.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Whew- that sucked. Sadly, its the image of an apple fritter in the toilet that seems to be stuck in my brain...one day I'll get back on that fritter horse, one day.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I still can't eat cake icing after an incident as a 7 year-old. That was a bad three days...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm deathly afraid of vomiting. It freaks the crap out of me that you can get food poisoning from lettuce and other seemingly innocent food stuffs. Long gone are the days when I just worried about undercooked chicken, raw eggs, reptilian pets, and bulging cans. This shit is ridiculous!

    ReplyDelete
  10. perhaps you shouldn't blame the lettuce. maybe it's just that the conditions within your stomach are a bit intolerable for any self-respecting piece of food.

    ReplyDelete