The Review Reaction Typology

Type 1
Name: The Finger

Tone: Evil bullshit

Causes: jealousy, chemical imbalances, narcissism, sadism, lack of a life, pettiness, and/or aggravated bowels

Thought to self after reading: “Fucking Motherfucker. What the fuck? Fuck you!”

Preferred beverage after reading: Scotch

Response to editor: “…while I feel The Finger introduced a productive issue for future research, the manuscript is not intended to delve into the ridiculous issue The Finger is so pathetically obsessed with and I will not be adding 5 paragraphs of useless material simply to satisfy their

raging need to belittle me.”

Type 2

Name: The Prick

Tone: Arrogance

Causes: insanely brilliant cognitive powers, arrogance, Autism and related disorders, MacAuthur Genius Grants

Thought to self after reading: “Ouch. That kinda hurt. Really? Crap. I like your work.”

Preferred beverage after reading: Hot tea followed by martinis

Response to editor: “…in response to The Pricks comment regarding the data presented in Table 2, please note that the sample has been increased by over 100 cases that took 5,000 hours to collect.”

Type 3

Name: The Handshake

Tone: Thoughtful

Causes: sanity, responsible use of substances, ability to think logically

Thoughts to self after reading: “Cool. I could do that.”

Preferred beverage after reading: Fancy latte (by which I mean in a nice cup with swirly designs in the foam made by someone who gives a shit)

Response to editor: “…as suggested by The Handshake I compared my results to those of Dr. So-and-So and compiled our findings on page 8 and also completely rewrote the conclusions to be much cooler sounding.”

Type 4

Name: The Stroke

Tone: Ass-kissy

Causes: insecurity, wonderment at awesome font choices in manuscript figures

Thoughts to self after reading: “Whatever.”

Preferred beverage after reading: four PBR’s (in a can)

Response to editor: “…as pointed out by The Stroke a full citation was missing for one of my references, it has since been added.”

Type 5

Name: The Sweep

Tone: I forget to review this so, uh yeah, it looks fine

Causes: poor organization skills, forgetfulness, extreme health problems, stupidity, reviewer is part of the enormous pile of dead weight housed in my/your department, laziness, abuse of substances

Thoughts to self after reading: “What the? OK.”

Preferred beverage after reading: whatever is handy, probably cold coffee

Response to editor: “I agree with The Sweep, it’s all good.”