Sunday, December 27, 2009

Baby Got Back(story)

It’s always entertaining to see how folks end up here in Acadamnit land. For many, a few wrong internet turns leads them here. Arriving in an unfamiliar and threatening neighborhood they quickly roll up the windows, lock the doors, and high tail it out of here. A small few see an intriguing new neighborhood populated by familiar tweeds, bad 80’s sitcom references, good bookstores, and loads of coffee shops. A very small handful of people however appear to be searching for some very specific information, they arrive here in Acadamnit land with directions from Google in their quest for the exact location of mysterious and strange information. I imagine they are extremely disappointed upon arrival. But I also like to imagine why they felt the need to Google such things, so let’s provide a few recently dismayed Google searchers with a back story…(their search phrase is in bold).

giving head in a car
Hmmmmm. Is it different than the boat blow jobs? Horse drawn buggy suck-offs? Ox pulled wagon fellatio? Mule drawn plow mouth fucks? Do traffic signals apply? Would it be illegal to give head in a car while driving through a school zone? Shit. What about seatbelts? They are going to have to come off. Well, maybe if the seat was pushed all the way back… Maybe we should just pull over and fuck. Perhaps if I just use this internet machine for a few minutes no one will know. It’s tough being horny and Amish.

users are losers so don't use drugs mcgruff
Fucking McGruff. Does he want to arrest himself? He’s got to face facts. All he does anymore is sleep, eat, lick his own balls, and shit in the yard. Seriously, he needs to lay off the drugs. Perhaps there is a group of concerned citizens rallying together to get him the help he needs. I better check.

what would happen if i photocopy my tits?
Let’s see here…under what conditions would I want to photocopy my tits and have concerns about the consequences? This is a tough fucking question. Photocopying your tits, ass, or any body part that qualifies as “your junk” is not a behavior I would associate with serious Google inducing concern. I mean, it’s like drinking tequila shots, giving blow jobs in cars and skinny dipping. Activities one should not stop to think about, things you certainly shouldn’t ponder long enough to make your way to a computer and Google (and, under some very dire situation I cannot even imagine, if Googling occurs you should be way too fucked up to type and/or spell coreectly). You either photocopy your tits, down the shot, or drop trou, OR YOU DON’T. It’s a split second decision; some things do not and should not require Google.

nudity in dr. no
That Dr. No is one sexy blogger. I wonder if there’s any nudie pics around? Perhaps a little skin? A little tweed in all the unimportant places? Oooh, I bet Dr. No has great, uhm, sexual organs. That those body parts are, uh, really, uh, large? Huh. Would those nudie pics involve upper or lower body parts? Which parts are exposed by that tweed jacket? Wait. How long is that jacket? Would it be buttoned? Damn. Whatever it is, it’s damn sexy.


  1. Head-giver in car: Don't sit on the gas pedal!

    McGruff already sounds like a jaildog: All prisoners do is sleep, eat, lick their balls, and shit.

    Ms Tit Copier: Go get those babies smashed between the mammogram glass! WOWWEEEE!

    Sexy Dr No: Two words: Tweed Thong :)

  2. Tweed Thong! jc is a genius!

    And I always think that oral sex+automobile=wicked neck cramp.

    Or something out of The World According to Garp...

  3. WHOA, that was weird. TKW you just brought back some very odd childhood memories. I am inspired to just type "whoa" 20 just triggered my own little sexual backstory. I'll keep this brief, but at some point in my childhood I realized that my parents books had "dirty" parts- which I would read in secret. Their books provided my first real glimpse at sex, I know exactly the Garp scene you are talking about...(and for those of you familiar with the book, don't worry, I read the entire book when I was a little older and have a full understanding of the complexities of that scene)

    Tony: Thanks

    JC: Tweed thong? Could be itchy- perhaps I can find one lined with silk.

  4. Would it be illegal to give head in a car while driving through a school zone? Shit.

    You absolutely crack my shit up.

  5. Now that you're duly horrified by the Google searches that bring people here, you will be horrified to see how you just drove site traffic way beyond the tweeded and dammit-y. You totally just pulled your blog over and f---ed yourself, Dr. No!
    I'm glad KW hit the Garp reference first because that's all I could think until you blindsided me with the tweed thong. Now I'm walking funny just trying to clear that from my mental crevices.

  6. All I can think is that a Tweed Thong would have to be drycleaned, wouldn't it? Poor drycleaner...

  7. Naptime- mental crevices....(cringe)...

  8. Oh, evenshine, that was the goal. Can't let mental floss and tweedy floss go unpunned. ;-)

  9. And where would the leather patches go on a tweed thong? I'm not sure I want to know....

  10. it's hard putting patches on shoe-strings. strategic placement.

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